Thursday, October 8, 2009


UGH! Why did I wake up that early?

When I fell asleep, I was sad. I talked to my twin sister yesterday evening and she tried to cheer me up. It helped to vent to her but I was so mired in what I was experiencing and feeling that it didn't really help at the time. I was being selfish.

I had a dream about her. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream but it ended with her and I in a recording studio. We were making up a song on the spot and getting it recorded. It was rough and frankly it wasn't that great but it made me cry. I woke up and I my thoughts were racing. I was wide awake and I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I ran upstairs and got a notebook and wrote the stupid song down. I don't know how to write a song! I'm not creative like that. I ended up with 2 melody lines that are basically the same but opposite as well. It's like a mirror. In a lot of ways Amy is a mirror of myself. I had some sappy lines as well. They sort of conveyed how I was feeling but the structure got in the way. Then I thought about just changing that into a poem. Every once in a while I get hit with inspiration and I want to write something thought provoking but vague enough that anyone can read it and relate. That didn't work for me either. I have disjointed starts and stops and phrases and meanings, and some rhyming words and I just couldn't find a pattern I was happy with.

Then I decided that I just need to just write my thoughts and feelings. I opened up word pad. I wanted to write something to her to tell her how I felt. I think it all started because of something she said to me last night. She was trying to tell me how much she needs me in her life. She said she didn't know what she would do without me. I know that she would go on. She doesn't rely on me for anything that is life and death. She's an adult, she can provide any of that for herself. I don't need her for that stuff either. She is one of the reasons that make my life worth living though. She is someone I always look forward to talking to and sharing everything with. I know she loves me even when I'm not that fun to be around. When I'm in a rotten mood or when I'm feeling hopeless, she isn't dragged down by me. She tries to lift me back up. She admitted that one of the reasons she loves me is because I can crack a joke even when my heart is breaking. I'm glad that I can provide some amusement to those people in my life that have to deal with my meltdowns. That isn't sarcastic or anything. It is a source of hope for me. I know I must be really bad if I can't see humor in a situation. If I can't even laugh about anything, then I'm on a brink and I'm in danger of falling. I'm blessed to have uplifting people in my life. Of course I feel like a burden at times. When that happens I try to see it from their point of view. Do they resent me? Most likely they don't. They probably think I'm silly at times but I'd like to think that when I have to lean on them, it makes their own burdens seem lighter. How would that be possible? Well they can think, hmm I'm SO glad I don't have to deal with that. It makes my own problems seem trivial. People say, it could always be worse. Sometimes I'm one of the examples of when it could be worse. Sometimes I'm not. They are my examples of "it could always be better" and it gives me something to work towards. It gives me hope that all isn't lost. Because of their love and examples, giving up isn't an option to me. Sometimes I like to wallow a bit in the sadness. Purge myself with crying and then suffer with a stuffy nose and burning eyes for hours after. After I do that, I can move on and concentrate on bigger and better things.

I get feeling down because I feel like I do everything alone. I live my life basically alone at the moment. I don't have anyone to shop with or hang out with in real life. That sucks sometimes but then I realize that I have a phone and I do have people in my life that will answer, no matter what time it is that I call. They may not be available to chat with me while I shop but I am comforted by the fact that if I really need them, there are a handful of people that will be there for me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to call on that so often. Hopefully someday I won't have to and I'll be able to find the peace I'm looking for. I also hope that I can get into the habit of praying more often. That is a constant source of love and support that I don't take advantage of as often as I should. I get bogged down and I forget. Which is what the adversary is hoping, right? My family and friends help lift me up high enough that I can stretch out my arms and reach higher, maybe high enough to take the Hand that is always offered.

Thank you.

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