Jingle Boobs

My son Kaden, who is currently 7, stuck 2 bells down his shirt the other day and pretended they were boobs. He then went on to sing an effin hilarious rendition of Jingle bells but substituted bells for the word boobs. He was shimmying all over trying to get those fake boobs of his to jingle all the while singing at the top of his lungs. I laughed so hard. I even took video of it with my phone! I was contemplating posting it on the internet but my mom would kill me for shamelessly exploiting my child just so people could laugh. I realized I didn't want him to hate me when he was older so I decided to refrain from posting the previously mentioned funny video. I couldn't help talking about it though! Serious laughter ensued after that momentous event.

The glory of man

I was joking around with some friends one day and we started talking about all the great words that start with man or men! We were of course being facetious about the greatness of the words other than how greatly funny it was.

manacles- Yup that's right, yet another way that men can hold us back. Sometimes it can be okay though as long as both are consenting adults.

menacing- This word can go along with the previous word for some kinky alliteration fun.

meningitis- Inflammation of the brain..I don't believe I need to add anything further.

menial- Boring work of low status. Yup, it's a keeper!

manic- The beginning of the word explains why depressive is a common word that usually follows this one.

manipulate- Women seem to excel at this sport but only because we have become adept at figuring out which brain men like to think with the most.

menopause- This word is like men because it causes women varying degrees of discomfort.

menstruation- The monthly discharge of menses...Thank you for starting this with men, it reminds us that they get the fun part in procreation.

menagerie- A collection of live animals for study or display. There are some men out there that are only good to look at...okay maybe that covers a lot of them.

Here are a few more words that don't really need an explanation.

mental Illness
manure
manhole (hahahaha)
mangled

*disclaimer* I'm not really a man hater. At least not by the Bible's definition of man being an all encompassing word for mankind. I do kind of hate one man though. Just a single entity has really ruined my opinion on men and that's judgmental I know and hopefully someday I'll get over it. Hopefully! Otherwise I may start having to contemplate lesbianism more seriously. ;)

My psychosis. An explanation of the progression.

I've recently found out that I have severe trust issues. I think that some of it stems from my past relationship of being married to someone who would lie about a lot of different things. Especially ones that were inconsequential. I never know what to believe anymore from anyone. In that particular relationship I was just better off not believing anything. I didn't follow that advice but I would have been better off. Some of my trust issues also have to do with a low self esteem. If we don't value ourselves then we can be taken advantage of easier but we also don't trust anything that could be genuine. I've recently experienced trying to discern whether someone was telling me the truth or not. I tended to believe anything positive was a lie. Anything negative I tried to justify with reasons instead of believing them for lies at first. Now I'm at the point that I think it's all lies after reasoning it all out! When will I ever know how to trust again. How will I be able to get over these issues? I'd like to think that if someone was genuine in their feelings for me, they would help me work through them by giving me reasons and hard supported facts for some of the things that happen. At least until I get more comfortable in the relationship or situation. While I was working through these feelings and figuring out why I can't trust, it felt like an exercise in validating my deficiencies with facts from my own deficient point of view. Round and round I went. I think it would be interesting if they made that a standardized test for people that are declared mentally incompetent. Please write an essay on the particular psychosis you were labeled with. Include facts, observations, and events that led up to your eventual break down and subsequent incarceration. They would be fun to read anyway!

Halloween = excuse to act like kids or whores!

So Halloween is fast approaching. I decided it was time to venture to our local stores and check out what they have for the kids to wear. Why are the costumes made out of such cheap material but cost more than an entire outfit. Ok so I shop the Wal-Mart clearance racks and admittedly my outfits don't cost much. Which is why I'm probably dateless still. That or the fact that I don't get out much. Or it could be because I can't fit into a bat girl costume. So says Kaden, I'm sure I mentioned that in an earlier post. He reminded me of the fact when we went down the aisle and he said to me, as he's pointing to the horrible costume that I wouldn't want to wear anyway, "See mommy, you can't fit into that." Well he's right because it was a teen sized medium which means it can fit on a 7 year old under-fed chihuahua. I AM going to be bat girl though! I decided I can be whatever I want. I don't want to be a pencil, I want to be a plush bat girl. Maybe Christian Bale will somehow see me in my sexy bat glasses and want me for his very own! A girl can dream.

Anyway, enough about me.
Although, honestly who wouldn't want more? Huh? Seriously I'm effin awesome.

So 5 shopping trips later the kids now have their costumes! Kaden will be a shadow ninja because it was on sale at the thrift store for 4 dollars. He is happy as a clam because we bought this sweeeeet ninja sword/sai set that you can strap to you back. SHING! As the sword is drawn and Kaden defends humanity from the mysterious Alien monsters or Politicians. Nia will be going as an Alligator. We had a debate about whether it was an alligator or a crocodile. By we, I mean me and myself. I decided crocodiles have fat mouths and this one was an Alligator. Knowing my luck I have that backwards but oh well. I'm the mom and right now I know everything except the days that Kaden has to go to school. Then I know nothing, according to Kaden. Anyway, I let her choose between that costume and the Dalmatian puppy! I was silently urging for the puppy costume in my head because she would be so freakin adorable but alligators and being able to make monster sounds won out in the end. She does have an awesome growl. It causes women to tear up and men to wish that their daughters will be ugly until they are 30 because they can't handle that kind of cuteness.

Those costumes really irk me though. The cutest ones are made out of chiffon and that's it. How the heck is that going to keep a toddler warm? I LOVE fairies. I wanted her to be one but I didn't want her to die because of elemental exposure or lose her wings that are so awesome they Velcro to the back of the little slip of a dress. Velcro wings on a toddler? Puhlease. They won't stay on for more than 5 minutes the whole night. That's if you are going to be indoors. She would have to wear a coat outside that would cover up the whole costume. Waste of money. So no fairy this year. We got the industrial sized version that will allow you to put a jacket on underneath the already very warm costume. She will be a cute little alligator and safe from frostbite as well! Kaden's costume has fake muscles that will aid in insulation while at the same time helping to camouflage the bulky jacket I will be making him wear underneath. Heck of a deal for 4 dollars!

Moms are awesome

So yesterday I was doing Nia's hair and my mom was looking at me and she said, "I'm sorry, you got your dad's chicken legs." I looked at her and said, "Yeah I got his butt too." She used this as an excuse to start talking about my high chances of getting Diabetes. I cut her off and said, "I know mom." She said, "See this is why I never talk to you anymore, you always get so defensive."

I love the conversations with my tactless mom! They are so great for the self esteem. She could have started this conversation a lot better by cutting out the I'm sorry and chicken. That still lets her lead into her diabetes lecture without the unnecessary rudeness. She gets upset that I have a low self esteem and then she reinforces my love levels by saying crap like that. This is actually one of the nicer conversations we've had. She's a nurse so she thinks she is allowed to constantly tell me that kind of stuff. I appreciate her concern. She always acts so surprised that she's already had the conversation with me. Maybe I should tell her to get tested for alzheimers. She sees symptoms of illness in everything I do!

I vow as a mother to stop perpetuating the low self esteem cycle! My mom always says you can't teach what you don't have. She is referring to self esteem. Well gosh dang it. I'm awesome just the way I am and I want my daughter to feel that way about herself every minute of her life.

Slightly embarrassing shopping list

I was talking to a friend about things that may be embarrassing to purchase at a store, especially when they are all thrown together! We compiled a list of common household items that would be embarrassing to get all together. The rule we had was that they had to be completely innocuous all on their own. That means I had to take off the ginormous box of condoms that I wanted on the list. I left the obvious stuff off like whipped cream. Pshh everyone uses that. We wanted to be more creative!

Zucchinis
Feather Duster
Vasaline (replaced KY with that since it's more innocent)
Cartoon bandaids
Razor
Rubber gloves (those giant yellow ones are teh sexy!)
Water Bed repair kit
baby oil
rope (can be used for many different things!)
medical eyepatch
Preparation H (whatever happened to A-G har har)
giant black garbage bags (this makes for easy clean up if things get a little kinky :P and they aren't to transport a body! We don't do that!)
rubbing alcohol
matches
toilet plunger
duct tape


penciled in at the bottom as an after thought
OOOooo one of those big cans of nacho cheese you can get in the bulk aisle!

HAHAHA I don't know why I thought the list was so amusing but there you have it, I'm weird.

Famous Dave's BBQ

Famous Dave's BBQ

I went there on Friday. I was famous by association! That's effin sweet. I'm going to use that effin sweet thing all the time. Just a warning, it's my new favorite famous phrase! Famous because I said it! Anyway back to Famous Dave's. We had a lovely time chatting and we really didn't have to wait long for our food! Our server's name was Famous Steele. I was impressed, I suddenly knew a famous person! We ordered the feast for 2 and fed 4 of us with leftovers. So that was pretty great. They serve their feasts in a garbage can lid. We filled out the comment card by saying, it was the best meal we've ever eaten out of a garbage can lid. I'm sure that Clay really had tried other meals out of a garbage can lid so we knew what we were talking about. All in all it was a fun evening with pretty decent food and a cute waiter. If he ever really gets famous, I'll remember him.

A close look at an undervalued super hero

I've always wanted a super power! I can make humans but psh that ability is a little over-rated since about half of the world's population can do the same thing at some point in their lives. So today I was researching some super powers so that I could figure out which one would be the most awesome. I still haven't decided but this one is intriguing.

The one to catch my eye was Matter-eater lad. HAHAHA! I especially like the lad at the end. It's about as inspiring as Jiggly-puff weilding a wiffle bat. His name is a bit lame but endearing at the same time. Who wouldn't want their own matter-eater lad hmm?

Ability: The power to eat matter in all forms

That's pretty effin sweet. You wouldn't have to worry about what you were going to make for dinner. Hungry? Time to dine on a buffet of whatever junk is around the house. Get rid of that old mattress that's been hanging around outside for ages. MMMmmm tastes like trisquits! Think of the possible recycling benefits for the planet! I'd like my taste buds to be turned off if I had that super power though.

Fun facts about Matter-eater lad: On his planet, Bismoll (snickers), some microbe was infecting all their food sources and made them inedible. The population then evolved the ability to injest any type of matter as a survival mechanism. That's pretty effin sweet too! One of his famous phrases when he was younger was. "Trust me, I'm a senator!" Sign me up for the trust list! That makes me feel so at ease :p. Anywho He eventually retired from the super hero business and became the chef for the Legion of Super Heroes. I don't know if I would trust someone that can eat anything to cook a palatable meal for people that can't. He was featured in a unauthorized comic where he won an award for the most ludicrous super power. He ate the trophy.

I don't think his is the most ludicrous super power! There were a few that were worse in that movie Sky High. I vote that Matter-eater Lad and Captain Planet combine forces to make worlds all over the universe more eco friendly. This is the type of super hero we need!

Go Green!

Disney Princess revealed

So a few weeks ago I was chatting with a friend. We were talking about the recent Disney Princess quiz I took and he guessed which one I was. Of course it was Belle! Anyway he said something along the lines of how he wanted to take a Disney Prince quiz. I was like, why the heck would you want to be compared to those losers? Seriously though, the Disney Princes really are not the best role models. We discussed it further and I made a list. Feel free to add your comments to this vapid discussion.

Prince Erik (Little Mermaid): He is so hung up on some nameless voice that he fails to see the real treasure in front of him. That girl was dang cute even when she couldn't talk. He did have some moments of manliness but they were cancelled out by his stupidity in following the crazy witch lady when she was sexified.

Aladdin: He lied, cheated, and stole throughout the whole movie. He pretended to be someone else the whole time! It was all ok in the end because he said he was sorry. Sheesh

Prince Charming (Cinderella): Seriously, a shoe will prove who he danced with for 2 seconds and supposedly instantly fell in love with? If he loved her, he would be able to tell without a stinking shoe. He also would have gotten contact information before she dashed off. He's dumb.

Beast: He was so pansy looking starting out. Turning into the beast actually improved his looks! He was borderline abusive the whole movie. What is it about girls falling for guys that treat them bad?

Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty): Who wants a creepy guy that takes advantage of sleeping women? Plus he gets his clothes stolen by animals. That's careless!

The Prince (Snow White): He sings a little with her at the first but you don't really see him until the end when he can conveniently save the day and ride off into the sunset with Snow White. He's a stranger! It doesn't really say anything good about Snow White either if she's willing to ride off with a pretty face. At least she knew he could sing.

So next time you see the saying "Disney gave me unrealistic expectations of men" don't buy into that crap. The only unrealistic part about the Disney men is their apparent changes of heart! :D

My sistahs!

This weekend I was able to hang out with my awesome sisters. I don't get to see them enough! Amy is the one on the left. She is my twin sister and also pregnant. I can't wait to meet the little person she is cookin up in her tummy oven. Whenever I need a pick me up, I call her and she lets me know how awesome I am. She thinks I'm the best person in the world! That's hard to live up to but it's nice to know someone thinks highly of you. The sister in the middle is Jen. She's a school teacher and I really respect her a lot. She works hard and plays harder. She likes to interject reality checks in people's lives. She usually does it with a great deal of humor so you can't help laughing but being annoyed at the same time with her nosiness. I'm the one on the right! I'm pretty much cute. Anyway we had a lot of fun and they had to leave way too soon. When we were younger and in the dating stages of life, we used to tease each other a lot. Whenever one of your boyfriends or dates would say something dumb we would sarcastically say, "He's a keeper." Jen found these shirts at American Eagle one time and she had to get one for all of us. We wear them with pride whenever we are together in the same place. We are all keepers! They also make really great St. Patrick's day shirts.

Nia's playtime

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkLno-MUDqg

Nia singing into a bucket! It's the cool thing to do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP6undtPrZw

Nia doing the hop dance she choreographed herself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w75dOvaXAHQ

Nia giving cute kisses. Gosh she is adorable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBu8fjfFLBI

She was still saying Yeehaw as she was watching the video.

This is what we do when her brother is at school.

I hate that I hate

I hate that you stole my future
I hate that you tainted my past
I hate that you can move on easily
I hate that you have to still be a part of my world
I hate that so many of my firsts were with you
I hate that you never meant how much you said you loved me
I hate how selfish you are with everything
I hate that you feel no remorse
I hate that you can still inspire me to hate.

Poems for my kids

NIA

Flitting to and fro like a hummingbird.

Delicate and constantly moving.

Teasing with mischievous delight

amid impish squeals of laughter.

Giggling and illusive

Insatiable curiosity leading to

wondrous discoveries.

Exploring and testing limits

Intolerant of the injustices

that affect her and those she

loves.

Courageous and protecting.

KADEN

Imagination taking him to far off places.

DRAGONS!

EVIL WIZARDS!

SPACESHIPS!

GIANT OCTOPUS!

Speaking the world's truths,

unintentionally humorous.

Capturing your heart.

Logically arguing, dismantling

rules and boundaries.

Asking why

Content with the simple things

Innocence intact

Believing in magic

Beautiful dreamer

Unconditional love

Caught in the act of trying to steal my car!

When I came out of work today this little guy was industriously building his new habitat on my car! The little scamp was moving in. I had so much fun watching him make the web, it was for sure better than seeing it on TV! He didn't survive the trip home unfortunately. The wind carried him away to another place.

Contemplation of a 4 letter word

I've been contemplating lately what the signs of love are. I thought I knew at one point but now of course I'm questioning that. How can I tell when I'm IN love and when I just love someone? I've always loved people very easily. There is usually something to value in everyone. When I was growing up, my mom told me that it's hard to get along with everyone you come in contact with. If you move past anything annoying and really look for something you admire or like in a person, then it's easier to dismiss everything else that you didn't like in the first place. That was the general idea that she was trying to convey to me. I have tried to always do that in my life. I honestly have only had to use that trick maybe once or twice before and it has always worked for me. The simple thought of knowing that there is something worthwhile about every person, even if you can't see it at first, helps me get along with them early. I think that may be why it's hard for me to know at this point. It's scary for me to know this about myself and then want to make myself vulnerable again.

Anyway, back to the original question. How can I tell which love I'm feeling? Is it strictly an added element of attraction? It's hard to know when you think everyone you meet is worthy of love.

I'm relatively new at the concept of being heartbroken. Of course there were times before my marriage that my feelings would be unrequited but it isn't the same at all. When it's unrequited, it's pretty crappy the whole time but it doesn't take on any more depth than that. It's a difference of feeling hurt and feeling utterly betrayed.

How do you move past it?

So these are just my random thoughts I've had lately on the subject. The answers are what I'll be working on and looking for.

A time in my life when I learned to appreciate things better

This was just something I had written that I wanted to save. I wrote it in February of 2001.


When my husband first came to Germany I was too pregnant to come with him so I had to keep myself occupied since I didn't have access to EQ at the time. Well I decided to volunteer for a nursing home and they had an orientation with hand outs on how to recognize the signs of approaching death and the family's reactions to it. I thought that was sort of cool to prepare us, but as I sat in a lady's room holding her hand for hours because she was too scared to die alone, I realized how inadequate the stupid thing was. I sat there and played music for her and sang to her and talked to her. She was way too far gone to respond at all. She went from a smile at the first of the day, to just clutching my hand and being off in her own little world. I couldn't let go and I sat there and felt bad that I didn't know that woman when she was younger. She died that night, I think one of her busy family members was able to come for the last bit so she didn't die alone. I wanted to stay with her but after 10 hours I didn't have the energy anymore. I had to keep thinking of the new life that I would be bringing into the world within a few months or I would have cried the whole time. It was Valentines day. I think I told everyone I knew that I loved them that day. Sometimes life gets busy and I forget to stop and enjoy the moment. Those beautiful, peaceful, happy moments you can have are what make life worth living from day to day. They crowd out the bad things and make your heart warm. It's when you feel genuine joy at being alive. Anyway I'm done rambling. I was just thinking about this today for no particular reason and needed to let it out.

Another old poem I wrote myself

This one is about 5 years old.

Words bubbling out unabated
Giggling
Scraped knees ignored in the joy of freedom
Secrets
Forever friendship oaths
Believing
Newness in every encounter
Faith
Emulating heroic figures
Action!
Unconditional love
Trust
Smiles in place
until
the world crowds in
Growing up
losing innocence

poem

This was originally written like 10 years ago or so.
My little sister writes beautiful poetry so one time her and I were discussing how she picks the words for her poetry and stuff. We saw some poetry contest we wanted to enter a stupid poem for. Something silly and just fun. We called it Ode to life's fungi....well it didn't turn out the way we wanted it, it was supposed to be funny and sarcastic. SO here it is, an original poem written by Natalie and Jennifer.

Ode To Life's Fungi

As I stare through a grimy window, I see society at its
worst.
I think about this world and can't help knowing we are
cursed.
I see people hurting each other and living in lies.
Did God really make this world or is it a disguise.
When will we be free from life's corruptible pain?
We're already too late to save a world that's insane.
Soon everybody will see there is not point to this existance,
As long as we keep going along the path of less resistance.
Can we change? Is there a chance? Is there a choice?

Some random happenings

On Thursday one of my volunteer's at work gave me a compliment. I told her I liked coming in to work on Thursdays because she always says something nice to me. She informed me that, "The people that don't give compliments are the jealous ones." I think that's an excellent way to look at life! Either people will compliment you or they still think those same things but don't say it out loud because they are jealous.

On Friday I had to take my step brother, Kyle, to school because he is a slacker and didn't arrange for another way to get there that day. Because of that, I was really early taking Kaden to school. He likes that because he can play on the playground for a bit before the bell rings. Nia wanted so badly to run and play there with him but she's just too little. Those wild kids would just run right over her. I wouldn't let her go so she got mad at me. It wasn't too much later that a bunch of 1st grader girls came over to say hi to her. Nia is even better than a doll! She's also better than a puppy. They were playing hopscotch with her and holding her hand and carrying her around. She was in absolute heaven. She is starting to become a lot less shy and more social. She will wave at people and smile and talk to them a little bit now. She ran to one of the hopscotch areas and turned to her new fan club and said, "Hop?" It was really adorable watching her play with those cute girls.

Today Kaden said he looked hideous because the pirate hat he was wearing had a skull that was smiling. That skull shouldn't have been so happy. I just thought that was a crack up. Then we proceeded to talk about what we wanted to be for Halloween. He decided that being a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle would be the absolute best because they are the most awesome. I asked him if I could be bat girl and he said only skinny girls can be bat girl. He said I could be a ghost. I tell ya, it's a good thing I love that kid! It did make me laugh though.

drunken post :p

Do you ever feel like a clown? Smiling but really crying. Life brings us up but reality crashes us back down. Why can't the two ever agree? It's always funny that people wish you the best. Do they ever stop and think long enough about what that really is? The best for us isn't always the best for someone else. It all sounds so superficial. I wish you the best! What do they really mean? The best donut? Well that's easy, just give them the best that Krispy kreme has to offer. Then you have fulfilled your duty in life. The best is an illusion that most of us hope to achieve but few ever do.

Stupid

Why does love make us so vulnerable? Why can't we retain who we are amid this emotion.? I lose myself every time.

Sounds like an emo poem. Lovely :p