You know you are sexually frustrated if...

If you find yourself typing the following phrases to your regular chat buddies. (You also know you are funny as well)

so I found my mom's stash of triple A batteries

time to google kinky sex ideas!

I think we can stretch it to 4...mins though
those dots are a strategic pause making you think of inches instead of mins
thought I would explain them in case they didn't work

any where else will involve heavy negotiations or alcohol.
well I'm not a genetically mutated freak so I can't think of any other place that is warm and moist since I use deodorant.
if you would like to enlighten me on where your mind is taking you though, feel free.

And you have 2! That doubles the pleasure! (sadly I was talking about knee caps)

Love your vagina so you can show others how

Viagra- You'll never be too old to appreciate it.

"Don't worry, it's a friendly snake." (quote from a little einstein's show that was taken horribly wrong)

4 hours seems so long doesn't it?

hmm that could be sexy if it was done in the right spot.

so I think it would be great to combine both in one interesting flying grease filled blog full of nakedness and love complications.

Yes!

this not being shy thing is FUN! I haven't tried it out before in real life.

I do have sexy toes! They are turning me on!


and I'm trying to guess this guy's flavor of Asian (seriously taken out of context)

I found out what a manscape was yesterday too
it's the process of landscaping your manliness

was pottying but I love you too and that dream is awful! I hope your dreams tonight are peaceful and wet.

is it rude to tell people this when they get a significant other? "Congratulations on your newest acquisition!" (ok that wasn't dirty, just funny)

that's cause he is secretly gay
and also he's not so secretly gay

I'm going to get *name deleted to protect the innocent...ok not so innocent* all worked up about hermaphrodites

yeah I'm so scary, I'm a raging ball of wild fur

ok I'm back
you get front
that may lead to kinky things

it. was. great.

the fact that you compare it to good sex means you haven't had good sex yet, you just think you have.

*Disclaimer* Most of these are taken out of context and my chatting really isn't as sexy as it first appears. It's kind of like looking in your rear-view mirror...

"It's not my fault that most of the things you say can be taken as a sexual innuendo"

"Nice Guys"

We've all heard the phrase "you are just TOO nice". I'm sure there are many men out there that have been dumped by that excuse. The guy probably thinks, "What the hell? Do I have to beat her or push her around a little to get her interested in me? What am I doing wrong? I do everything I can to make her happy!"

Let's analyze this part right here, "I do everything I can to make her happy!"

Doesn't this sound like the perfect guy? Who wouldn't want a life partner that acted like that? I think everyone at first thinks that is great. Can you imagine if that really happened 24/7 though? Where is the conflict or compromise that makes for an interesting give and take relationship? What about YOUR happiness? People that have issues with self-esteem are going to always put their own happiness second. That sounds wonderful and selfless and perfect but you will lose your sense of self. How can you be true to yourself and truly be who you are and were meant to be if you are constantly going through life doing everything to please everyone else? Eventually you are going to get to a point that you become a martyr. You'll be bitter because your partner doesn't go to the same extremes to make YOU happy. When will it be your turn to be shown the same sacrifice? This will poison every relationship you are in if you treat it like that. There needs to be compromise, it shows love on both sides and self worth. You DO deserve to be happy. Do what needs to be done to assure that but at the same time don't let it take you over. There is a happy medium to be found. That's why all those relationship books mention that compromise is so important.

So yeah, I think in this kind of situation you can be too nice. I want excitement and give and take. I want a chance to show that I love and a chance to be loved.

Animalistic Kissing ;)

Wonderful kissing facts!

French kissing involves all 34 muscles in the face. A pucker kiss involves only two.

Passionate kissing burns 6.4 calories a minute. A Hershey’s kiss contains 26 calories, which takes five minutes of walking–or about four minutes of kissing–to burn off.

Kissing is good for teeth. The anticipation of a kiss increases the flow of saliva to the mouth, giving the teeth a plaque-dispersing bath.

Lovers swap saliva containing various substances e.g. fats, mineral salts, proteins while kissing. According to latest studies, the exchange of the above substances can give a boost to the production of antibodies which are made specifically to deal with the antigens associated with different diseases as they are encountered.

Kissing can help women relax and ease the effects of stress.

So after reading up on kissing and finding out these interesting facts, I decided that we should all do more of it! Heck, a passionate kiss seems to burn more calories than walking! It’s WAY more fun than walking as well.

I found another fun place that explained bad kissing! I feel like I should make printouts and hand them to prospective kissable guys!

Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue, Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawling around your mouth. One victim noted, “He’d dart his tongue in and out at a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, not give you calluses.”

The Excitable Puppy: I don’t know who is telling these boys that there’s nothing hotter than a mid-makeout tongue bath, but I heard from a lot of sopping sisters. “He licked from forehead to nose to chin and back again,” is how one woman described her first kiss. “Like the way my 80-pound Labrador licks my face. Even though it was my first make-out session, I knew my companion was cursed with bad skills.”

The Rattlesnake: You know the scenario. . . he’s cute, you’re tipsy and so you lean in lay one on him and, BAM! His tongue is halfway down your throat, pulsing like a piston. “The tongue should flick lightly—not thrust like a video on BET,” instructs Victoria, a filmmaker who knows her way around a liplock.

The Tasmanian Devil: I was on the fence about one guy I was dating until we had our first make-out. His kiss was like being set upon by a team of angry ferrets. A sensuous bite on the neck can be hot, but a series of sharp nips to the jaw line, decidedly less so.

The Venus Flytrap: “It was like his neck was on a hinge,” Sarah relays over cocktails. “This gave him the ability to open his mouth about six inches.” I dated one of these too—his mouth would open so wide that he’d cover my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath. And yes, while I realize the Venus Flytrap is not technically an animal, it eats bugs and that’s good enough for me.

The Skunk: The breath of death was listed as a kiss-killer by most people surveyed. “In my mind I said let me give you the number of my gastroenterologist, or at least a mint!” David shared via email. In reality he said nothing to the offender—he simply never called her again. “I’m a very polite person,” he explained.

The Possum: As you should know, there is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there. “The unfurling of the tongue, and then not moving it . . . ” Sarah shudders, too horrified to go on. “Too much tongue is the number one component of a bad kiss,” she continues. “When it fills your mouth and you feel like some cheap bologna sandwich has been stuffed in there—that is the ultimate bummer.”

Kangal Fish: Used in exotic pedicures to nibble away the dead skin on your feet and hands, the KF-style smooch is also quite cleansing. “I had a woman do this odd thing where she ran the tip of her tongue along the face of my teeth, as if she was trying to clean them,” shares David, obviously on a roll. Sarah has also experienced this, and was neither amused nor aroused. “It reminded me of those cheesy Pearl Drops toothpaste commercials from the ’70s.”

Bacon Grease and Love Complications

This is a Natalie emotional update! YAY :p

Love Complications

There are a few things that I'm worried about currently. I like to write them down because it keeps me aware of them so I won't become complacent.

I'm tempted by idiots with a pretty face! If they are only slightly idiotic then I'm worried I'll fall for them because they are hot or just tall. Tall guys are hot. I used to think guys with large *cough* vocabularies did it for me. It does to an extent but at the same time I get a little intimidated. I don't know why, I'm awesome! It's just that stupid self esteem that gets in the way. It's hard to put yourself out there to be judged by members of the opposite sex over and over and over again. Go take a hike if you don't like what you see! On a side note, what is up with guys gathering a fan club of girls that think they are hot when in reality they are probably chatting it up with one hot chick that they are REALLY interested in. Rude!

I'm STILL worried about being able to differentiate between the types of love. I think with experience, painful heart-wrenching I want to cry for days experience, I'll be able to figure it out. I do know that it won't kill me and I'll make it through as a stronger and better adapted person. So BRING ON THE PAIN!

Speaking of pain, I'm also worried that I'm going to settle for a person just so that I don't have to live with my mother anymore! I have to keep reminding myself that it's better than living out on the street in a cardboard box. I get tempted to be with someone because it's wonderful to be an object of affection. It's cool to be liked for yourself and to have someone totally interested in anything you have to say!

When do I know if a relationship is going to work out or not? Am I leading that person on by trying to see if time will help me with the answer? Am I wasting time or doing a disservice to myself by waiting to see if a friendship/relationship will grow into love? Is that the kind of love I want romantically or should I look for hot lust-filled can't keep our hands off each other type of love? Is that love? Is lust a necessary part of love or is it just superficial because time will turn all our attractive qualities sour?

What if I was in a relationship and had doubts? How long do I stay with that person? Do I stay until I'm shackled down by shared responsibilities like kids and debt? Is staying easier than leaving? I worry that it will be a case of cooking bacon naked. Sure it's easier to hop out of bed and just start cooking your bacon without getting dressed but it's going to get painful in extremely sensitive areas. That would be the same thing as staying with someone you didn't love. Sure it's easier not to break up with them and cause the instant hurt and hard ache but over time you'll get burned little bits at a time until your so scarred you don't recognize yourself anymore. That's a lot of bacon!