Sunday, August 29, 2010


I spend wasted hours thinking, wondering, hoping, imagining, and daydreaming about what my life would have been like with him. Why can't I stop doing this? It's been a year, what is wrong with me?

I don't believe that I'm a glutton for punishment. Was it true love, is that the problem? Maybe, maybe not. Most likely it is because my life feels like it is in stasis at the moment. I never had the chance to move on and find someone else to distract me from thinking of him. Maybe I will in the future. At one time I thought he was the one. Near the end, he said, I don't want you to be the right girl at the wrong time. Well the timing was definitely wrong. Maybe I wasn't the right girl either. I hope the right girl will come along and make him happy. I hope she can help fix what is wrong and be by his side for the ups and downs. I keep thinking that maybe it will be me. There was no sense of closure. It was just silence.  I keep trying to come up with what that silence meant. Dismissal? Indifference? Was there too much going on and I was just one more annoyance or distraction? I don't know. I hope not. It's hard not to believe otherwise. I try though.

I constantly look for things to distract me. I want to hear people's problems, so I don't have to concentrate on my own. I want to be social and part of people's life. It's difficult. I have a lot of obstacles to overcome. Time is one of them.

I work, take care of my kids, and then spend a few precious minutes after they are asleep to pursue other distractions. Reading, playing silly Facebook games, and chatting with friends. Lately, I fall asleep so quickly, or I stay up SO long because I can't stop thinking. I can't stop being lonely. I can't stop yearning for another anchor in reality. Those anchors keep me sane but sometimes it isn't enough. Maybe it's just not the right kind of anchor that I want. Maybe I don't need that anchor. Everything seems to push us towards couple-dom. Gee facebook, am I really that desperate that I need 3 different dating website ads on the side of my screen? Why can't we see ads that will make us feel better about being single? Being in a relationship with my other account fixed that. Blessed relief from the constant reminders that apparently I'm not doing it right.

Some days the pressures of life are overwhelming. I want someone to face it with me. I don't want to trudge through it alone. Quitting isn't an option. I just have to be patient. Trust that if I do all that I am supposed to, then everything will work out and happiness will be there. I feel moments of happiness. I feel tender moments of love and joy. I feel all the other, more negative, stuff too. I feel ungrateful for wanting more. Some days I am able to be glad and feel blessed for what I have. I wish it was easier to feel like that all the time. I wish I still had someone I could feel comfortable calling any hour of any day, so that I can cry or vent or share fun times with. There are people that are there to an extent, but the gap they can't fill, sometimes yawns wide. It isn't their fault. They just aren't the exact puzzle piece that can plug the hole in my defenses. Maybe that is impossible to find. Maybe I'm not praying hard enough.

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