After an amazing lunch date with Corey Wilkey, I had some things coalesce in my mind. I live for these moments because they usually make good blog posts! My posts are sporadic lately because of the business of living life as a single mom. It's a lot more structured than I would like but it's necessary in order for me to survive.
Anyway, Corey and I were talking about some of the relationships in my past and why I'm a dork right now and the reasons I can't move on. I got to thinking about the obstacles I will have to overcome in order to get to a place that I want to be.
First of all, I have to get my divorce finalized. It has been so long since I've been separated from my ex, that it feels like I'm already done but the fact of the matter is that the paperwork is still in limbo. It is driving me nuts. Some of the reasons for delay, is lack of finances, lack of interest in thinking about the actual steps in doing the paperwork, being overwhelmed with the paperwork, and life just being so busy it is hard to squeeze more into it. I am not sorry about my decision. It's been rough and I've questioned it a few times but I know that it's the right one for me. I AM sorry at the lives affected by the decision though. My children, my ex, and our families. Things seem to be calmer now than they have ever been though. The fact that he is in the army and stationed in North Carolina, has been a bit of an obstacle. The process servers never got the paperwork to him, so my lawyer finally just mailed it himself. It was signed and sent back. There is just one more thing for him to get done and sent back for it to be fully done and able to get signed off by a judge. I think that he just needs to find the time to get it done. He seems very busy with his job and the fact that they will be deploying soon. Probably January. I have mixed feelings about this but overall I just hope he makes it through sane and safe.
Now on to the subject of dating once that first hurdle is finally overcome. I'm stuck on the top of it and trying to figure out how to get down, probably because I'm short, although how I got up there in the first place is somewhat of a mystery!
I'm 30 years old. The thought of putting myself out in the dating world again is quite daunting. I hate being judged and found lacking. I hate having to be a judge of another person to see if they are compatible. I'm a pushover and I love easily. This is usually a good thing and it makes me good at my job. I also have quite the variety of friends and I love that. The fact is, most eligible men my age, are scary in one way or another. There will be a small percentage that aren't, but I have to wade through the murky waters to find them. If a guy is single at my age it's probably because; a. He is too socially inept to have found a partner by now and is probably stuck in his bachelorhood for life and most likely prefers it that way. A partner would interfere with their gaming schedule ;) b. He is the reason his previous relationships never worked out and is most likely a jerk. c. There is something messed up in his head and he hasn't been able to get over whatever it was that caused it. Probably some heartless wench that took his heart and shattered it into a million pieces and then vacuumed it up to toss with the garbage. What are the chances that I'm going to find someone that I deserve amid that dating pool? Is there hope? Am I just pessimistic about the odds? So far, I haven't had much luck and my chances are looking grim the older I get.
Now if for some reason I can't get to the place I want to be and end up getting clotheslined by one of those hurdles, there is hope. The dating of guys counts as a ton of hurdles. It all depends on how long I'm stuck in that period of judgment. My friend Corey, he optimistically suggested that perhaps one of the 2000 stripling warriors in heaven, will be my future eternal companion. I laughed and thought to myself that I couldn't rule that out. Maybe I should hold out for the best. ;)