Monday, December 8, 2008

My psychosis. An explanation of the progression.

I've recently found out that I have severe trust issues. I think that some of it stems from my past relationship of being married to someone who would lie about a lot of different things. Especially ones that were inconsequential. I never know what to believe anymore from anyone. In that particular relationship I was just better off not believing anything. I didn't follow that advice but I would have been better off. Some of my trust issues also have to do with a low self esteem. If we don't value ourselves then we can be taken advantage of easier but we also don't trust anything that could be genuine. I've recently experienced trying to discern whether someone was telling me the truth or not. I tended to believe anything positive was a lie. Anything negative I tried to justify with reasons instead of believing them for lies at first. Now I'm at the point that I think it's all lies after reasoning it all out! When will I ever know how to trust again. How will I be able to get over these issues? I'd like to think that if someone was genuine in their feelings for me, they would help me work through them by giving me reasons and hard supported facts for some of the things that happen. At least until I get more comfortable in the relationship or situation. While I was working through these feelings and figuring out why I can't trust, it felt like an exercise in validating my deficiencies with facts from my own deficient point of view. Round and round I went. I think it would be interesting if they made that a standardized test for people that are declared mentally incompetent. Please write an essay on the particular psychosis you were labeled with. Include facts, observations, and events that led up to your eventual break down and subsequent incarceration. They would be fun to read anyway!

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