This was just something I had written that I wanted to save. I wrote it in February of 2001.
When my husband first came to Germany I was too pregnant to come with him so I had to keep myself occupied since I didn't have access to EQ at the time. Well I decided to volunteer for a nursing home and they had an orientation with hand outs on how to recognize the signs of approaching death and the family's reactions to it. I thought that was sort of cool to prepare us, but as I sat in a lady's room holding her hand for hours because she was too scared to die alone, I realized how inadequate the stupid thing was. I sat there and played music for her and sang to her and talked to her. She was way too far gone to respond at all. She went from a smile at the first of the day, to just clutching my hand and being off in her own little world. I couldn't let go and I sat there and felt bad that I didn't know that woman when she was younger. She died that night, I think one of her busy family members was able to come for the last bit so she didn't die alone. I wanted to stay with her but after 10 hours I didn't have the energy anymore. I had to keep thinking of the new life that I would be bringing into the world within a few months or I would have cried the whole time. It was Valentines day. I think I told everyone I knew that I loved them that day. Sometimes life gets busy and I forget to stop and enjoy the moment. Those beautiful, peaceful, happy moments you can have are what make life worth living from day to day. They crowd out the bad things and make your heart warm. It's when you feel genuine joy at being alive. Anyway I'm done rambling. I was just thinking about this today for no particular reason and needed to let it out.