Love

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

I really can't think of a better example of love right there.

How can we ever be worthy of such a gift and sacrifice?

For a long time I felt unworthy of that gift. I felt unworthy to even talk with God or ask for help for things. I let myself become estranged from the one thing that would help me feel worthy. It was a loop that I couldn't escape. I went around and around. I felt hopeless and because of that, I never attempted to get out of the circular thinking.

Mosiah 4:7 I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world.

I don't see any exceptions there. It is available for everyone! Even one such as I!

I know I'm not perfect and that sin is inevitable. Why can't I pay for it myself? Why can't I do the suffering? Why do I need the atonement?

I was reading a book, Believing Christ, that was recommended to me by a very good friend. There is a passage in it that says this:

A covenant is a contract, an agreement with terms and obligations binding upon both parties. In modern times we validate a contract and make it binding and legal by having both parties sign it. In ancient times covenants were validated and made binding by shedding the blood of a sacrificial animal. Hence, the Hebrew idiom for making a covenant is "to cut a covenant." The blood of the sacrificial victim was called "the blood of the covenant," and when it was shed, the terms of the contract were considered to be in force and binding upon both contracting parties.

Jesus is the sacrificial victim for the atonement. That's why he is referred to as the Lamb of God. By the shedding of this innocent blood, it makes the contract or covenant valid and binding. It seems a bit barbaric but that was how covenants were made back then. Christ had to be perfect because it called for a sacrifice. He never had to suffer those things because he never committed the sins in the first place. He had the ability to choose the suffering. We suffer because of the consequences of the inevitable sins we commit. We don't have the ability to choose to suffer or not.

People suffer for sins every day. Is that suffering enough to atone for the mistake? The Mosaic law was introduced to help people atone for their sins. It was a just way to pay for those sins because the world didn't have the atonement yet. An eye for an eye etc. If you cause someone to lose an eye and you lose yours in return, isn't that a sufficient punishment to satisfy the conditions of the sin? I believe we have two sets of consequences for sins we commit. There are earthly consequences and heavenly consequences. We experience the earthly consequences when we break the law. We have to pay fines or go to jail. The atonement is our heavenly get out of jail card but it isn't for free. As imperfect humans, we do ALL we can to atone for the sin we have committed. Let's say you did poke someone's eye out and you lose your eye in return. What about the loss of sight that you can never restore? You can't fully atone for what you did because you can't make that eye grow back. We can't cross that gap ourselves, that is where the atonement comes in. God requires of us to do all we can, then he will take care of the rest. He knows we can't do it all ourselves and he knows that we will never be perfect except through the atonement. If I feel unworthy of that gift, then I'm calling God a liar. Seems harsh doesn't it? He created us all in his image. We have God potential in all of us. If he created us to be that amazing and awesome, then we are. Simple! You are worthy of forgiveness and don't you forget it.

This stuff I've just spouted. It's what I believe in. I have faith that God will help me cross that gap. I trust that he will forgive me once I've done my part. I feel worthy of that forgiveness because He thinks I'm worthy.

That is love. He loves us unconditionally. Even in sin he loves us. He wants to keep his promises to us but we have to do our part.

Faith

Alma 32:21

And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.

With hope, faith is possible!

Faith is the first principle of the gospel.

Mark 9:23

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

What a great promise! We just have to humble ourselves and trust in the Lord. It says ALL things are possible. If you don't think it's possible, then you are disrespecting God.

You can't have faith without hope. They go hand in hand.

I have faith that the atonement is for everyone. Nobody, except Jesus Christ, is exempt. We aren't perfect. I have faith that if I live righteously, then God will bless me and everything will work out according to plan. I have faith that if his plan doesn't match mine, his will be better. Always. I want to benefit from the blessings of righteous living. I want to be an example to my children. With God, all things are possible. My weaknesses will be made strong, my children will benefit from my example, if I teach my kids good things, then they can pass that on and affect many future generations. I have faith that God hears my prayers. He knows what is best, I will trust him and he will help lighten my load. I've already experienced that. It's up to me to thank Him and to be worthy of his abundant unselfish-ness.

Hope

Hopelessness

This is a feeling that we have all experienced at one time or another. I have felt it on and off through out my life. I had periods of it this last week. Tonight I was thinking about it and I wondered why it came and went. Why did I feel so hopeful one day and then the next day I felt such a crushing weight upon me, one that I couldn't remove?

Satan wants to end hope. He wants us to feel hopeless because then we won't try. We won't work towards being better people. If we don't have hope that there is better out there for us or that we can become better, then why even try? We would just live life day to day and react to what is thrown at us. I don't want to live like that. I want to shape the world around me. I want to be a force of good and light! I want to have the control in my life to act instead of just react to everything. This is extremely hard for me. It's easier to procrastinate at the time but then it's harder to fix things because we are always reacting to one chain of events or another. If we are always doing the things needed to be a better person, then as a side effect, it takes care of certain things in our life.

Everything is SO mental. If we believe we can, then we do. If we think we are worthy and worth it, then we don't settle for mediocrity. If we think that life is too hard and that God expects too much out of us, then we are looking at things the wrong way. Shouldn't you be flattered that someone out there thinks that you CAN do it? God knows we have the potential, that's why He expects so much. If He thinks we are that awesome, then why can't we think that way about ourselves too? Do we think we know better than God?

There is a fine line between being humble and feeling inferiority. Satan is going to do everything in his power to push us towards that negativeness.

I am starting to remind myself that if I feel hopeless, inferior, and unworthy, then that isn't me thinking. That is never how God would want his creations to feel. Those feelings aren't of God so that means they are from Satan. Banish that thought process right now.

I've made too many mistakes in my life that are the result of those ungodly mindsets. I have settled, I haven't ever thought that I am deserving of happiness. Well that's just silly. If I think everyone deserves that, why don't I? Sure I've made mistakes, some worse than others. Everyone makes mistakes, it's part of the learning process. They aren't valuable if you don't actually learn from them, move on, and change.

Living alone!

So I've been jealous of my brother lately because he lives alone. I asked him what the best thing is about living alone and he said this...Being able to shower with the bathroom door open so that the mirror doesn't fog up.

I teased him about that being the BEST thing and the first thing he thought of. It must really be awesome. I was thinking of other benefits to the bachelor lifestyle. This is what I came up with.

Being able to eat cake mix and not feel guilty about never getting around to baking the cake.

You always get the prize in the cereal box.

Being able to leave the toilet seat in whatever position you want to.

Drinking milk out of the carton

Being able to take your time in the bathroom without kids banging on the door demanding your immediate attention.

Wearing clothes that aren't stained by children's bodily functions or dinner.

Sleeping when you want, where you want, how you want, clothing optional.

No remote control sharing.

No zit juice splattered on the mirror from someone else!

I think that really all I am jealous of is his privacy. After having kids, that is something you give up. I think that the benefits are worth the sacrifice though. Unconditional love is rare and should always be treasured.

just a little something

Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I think I'll be needing this scripture in my life for the foreseeable future. I have so many weaknesses that I need Godly help with! This verse is so my fav at the moment.

I have really enjoyed reading the scriptures and finding verses that help me. I think all the scriptures will be helpful because I need a lot of help. This particular scripture has given me a lot of hope. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and I am always trying to fix the faults and weaknesses I have. That's easier said than done. Some of my faults make it hard to be productive in that particular endeavor.

Anyhow, onward and upward!

Older and wiser?

I can't help but notice that as I'm reading the scriptures, they seem a heck of a lot easier to understand. I'm having fun reading them and finding things in them that pertain to my life and to those close to me. I've even made one joke with a scripture so far! Geeze, that's crazy talk right there.

Perhaps because I have been away from the teachings for so long, everything seems a little more new. I just read about Abinidi and I KNEW how the story ended from being taught it long ago but it was still so interesting to me. I was on the edge of my seat almost! Have you ever seen someone watch a movie and then get so disappointed at the end because a certain character died? After that, you find out that they've SEEN the movie before. I always think to myself, why did you think this time you were watching it would be different? It's funny! Anyway, that's how I felt when I was reading about Abinidi lol. I'm a dork, I know. I know these stories, I've been taught them for most of my life. Still, it's been long enough that now when I read them, I don't think of them as some story any more. I think of them as things that have happened to real people. I wonder how I would have felt if I had been going through the same things. I wonder what their lives were like. It just seems a lot more real to me.

My scripture of the day

Mosiah 24:15

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen themthat they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

My goal is to submit cheerfully and have faith in the Lord that he has a plan for me. The hard times won't always be hard.

Churchy update

So I went to church again! It's a trend after 2 times in a row right? I really enjoyed going and some of it probably had to do with the excellent company. I LOVE going to church with my boyfriend. It was a wonderful experience even if all the talks were aimed right at us haha. Sacrament meeting they talked about becoming like Christ and prayer. I definitely need a lot of help with the prayer thing. I justify not praying way too often and I have for years. Some of the time I felt like a hypocrite. I didn't want to seem like I was only praying when I needed help so I didn't even do that. My scripture reading just happened to coincide with this topic as well. Satan doesn't want us to pray. If we don't have a relationship with God then it's easier for him to sink his hooks into us. I currently need all the help I can get. I can't let Satan have any advantage.

The next meeting was about Eternal Marriage. I was teasing my bf about that but I took notes for us haha. I have to admit that all that stuff seems really strange to me. I'm uneasy about it and it seems very cult-like and ritualistic. I'm sure it will all work out, I'll just have faith.

The whole weekend was really awesome and I was sad when it ended. It's hard when you don't know when you'll be able to do something like that again. I think it's easier to go to church and follow the standards when you have people around you to support you. It helps if they are living the same and having the same struggles. It gives you someone to lean on and in turn they can lean on you.

I've come across a lot of interesting things in my scripture reading. I keep telling myself I need to read with a marking pencil so I can go back to them later but I know I'll be distracted if I do that. I'll want to write about ALL of them and it will take me forever to get through the Book of Mormon. Next time around, I'll do that. I'll only write about the things that impress me the most. I thought it was very interesting that my scripture study was about prayer the same day that they talked about it in church. I think if God has to tell me to pray again he will be doing it with a swift kick to the butt so I better listen now!

A new chapter of my life

So I'm starting a different chapter of my life. One that will involve God more fully in everything I do. I am so used to doing things alone that this will probably be a difficult journey. I need to write the experiences I have down because it will goad me to continue and to analyze the things that I read in the scriptures. I feel that this will help me and my perspective.

My reasons for this new direction are a little personal but I have a lot of good examples in my life. There was one in particular who was the catalyst for this decision. I didn't want to lose out on anything good because I wasn't fully living the way I knew that I probably should be. I didn't turn to God out of despair or desperation. I've always felt that was a little hypocritical and I would be afraid that after everything was fixed, I would be done and that I wouldn't be devoted to Him anymore. I don't want to be the type of person that only cares about my own pain and suffering and never about what anyone else is going through or experiencing. I'm not saying that it's a bad way to go. I feel that anything that turns a person to a path of goodness, is worthwhile.

I'm starting in 2 Nephi in the book of Mormon. Honestly, it's been 11 years since I've been to church regularly. I never took the time to actually read the scriptures except because I had to. I still remember that every time I would try and read them, I would quit in the middle of Alma. 1st Nephi is so familiar to me that I wanted to skip that one and move to things that I didn't learn about a million times when I was younger. I will go back and read it but I felt that I shouldn't start there. I really do want to know if this stuff is for real. I'm going to be giving it a honest chance and I'm willing to work for it.

This weekend has been rough on me. I had committed in my heart to go back to church on Sunday. I told a few people about my plans. Once I've said them out loud, there is more accountability to follow through on them. Anyway, I have experienced a lot of emotions in the last little while. I'm scared and pessimistic that I can do this. I told someone that it was just Satan and that's why I had issues. It's true though. I have so many excuses but when I started listing them, they seemed so shallow. I did make it all the way through Sacrament meeting this week but my emotions were in turmoil for a few different reasons. I couldn't stay longer than that because I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to converse with any strangers. I didn't want to do any type of superficial interaction. I will do the best I can but sometimes it can all be a little too much and a little too invasive.

I was crying this evening and decided that I needed to read some scriptures. I wanted to be more immersed in the things of the church. It didn't hurt to try it and see if it helped me feel better. There was a young woman who had recently returned from her mission in Canada. She was just so full of life and energy and idealistic plans. Her trust in God seemed so young and naive. I was jealous to see that she had her hope and faith. She talked about how awesome she thought that the scriptures were. I always thought they were confusing and boring. She mentioned that just reading some of the scriptures every day seem to bring her happiness and she's able to deal with things easier. I thought I would give it a try since I wasn't happy.

Anyway, I mentioned how I felt to my best friend. He was being silly and said something about a broken heart and contrite spirit. When I opened my scriptures to my book mark, I saw this verse: 2 Nephi 2:07
Behold he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and contrite spirit; and unto none else contrite to answer

I thought it was cool that my friend had used some of that verse earlier that day. He was trying to be funny.

I barely read a chapter but it was the one that had the verse, Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy. Lehi was telling one of his sons this and he explained that if Adam and Eve hadn't partaken of the forbidden fruit they would have never known good and evil. They would have stayed in the garden and never known the joys and pains of life. They would never have been happy because they didn't know what it that was. Everything would have stayed that way forever and they wouldn't have had children. We would have never come along.

I've always believed that the pain and heartbreak of life is worth it because then you appreciate the joy better. That chapter just reinforced that belief in me during a point where I wasn't happy. It made things a lot easier to deal with and it helped me go to sleep. I think I needed the reminder.

When I went to church today, one of the talks mentioned another person's talk. I don't know his name or anything but they called him the gardener I think. There was a part that they were talking about a currant bush. It was a nice story that stressed the point that God has plans for us. Sometimes he will cut us down and cause pain so that we can reach the potential he has in store for us. I am a very stubborn person and I don't like to think that my fate has been decided or anything like that. I'm resistant and want to make my own choices. Sadly, my choices haven't always been the ones that would have been the best for me. I never made my choices with evil intent or anything but they were wrong. I've known some good times but my life and marriage didn't end up how I wanted them too. Regardless of the choices I make, I can't control everything and I can't make people choose the path I would have them choose. It's frustrating to have to give up on something. I think that if I had listened to my heart better and allowed the spirit in to guide me then maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not though because in a relationship, there are 2 sides and ultimately I am only responsible for my own actions and choices. I tried to make the best of things but I can honestly say that other than getting into that situation in the first place, the results weren't all my fault. I tried. This next time around, I'm trying harder but I can't be totally responsible if things don't work out.

Everything happens for a reason, just believe. I feel a little more peace when I think of that. I have a hard time trusting things like that but I try to remember to just believe that things will turn around. Some days it is hard especially if I'm feeling pessimistic and of low worth. Hopefully I will someday be able to appreciate the joy better because of the things I'm dealing with right now.

HI!

This is just something I was thinking about the last little while. I thought it deserved a blog entry.

You were in a relationship and then you were dumped. Time to rebound.

The words rebound and relationship, when used together, have negative connotations. I picture a quick one-night stand with casual and maybe aggressively angry sex. Wikipedia, a very reputable, haha, source of information, says the following.

“Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed.”

Admittedly, there is some wisdom in the previous statement. Especially if you were totally in love with the person that dumped you. Just like a ball that is dropped, when you rebound, it is impossible to attain the height you were dropped from. The feelings you are having from being dumped prevent you from getting back up there, just like friction prevents the ball from getting back up to that height. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. Which is also incapable of reaching it’s original height without any form of propulsion. There are many different reasons why people get caught up in rebound relationships. They aren’t all going to be one-night stands or casual sexual encounters. People like feeling loved and connecting with one another. It’s hard feeling the rejection and feeling unwanted. Getting back into the game early on helps ease those unwanted and rejected feelings.

What if you are the one dumping somebody. Is it fair to say that your next relationship is going to be a rebound? Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. If I was going to break up with someone, I would hope that the next person I was with, was at a higher level than the previous person. I’m not saying the next person would be better. I’m saying the next person would be better suited to me. The difference being that some people click and some don’t. I would need some extra momentum to get myself past the previous height. All further relationships should propell you higher until you get what it is you’ve always wanted or deserve. Check your bait, do you have what it takes to attract better? Do you feel that you deserve better?

What if you are hoping for this ideal person? You have a list of characteristics you want that person to have. Doesn’t that person deserve the same from you as what you are expecting from them? Let’s be totally honest with ourselves. What flaws do you think you have? Can you work on them? Are they impossible habits to break? Are they inate flaws due to genetics or are they learned behaviours that could be improved upon? Do you want to become a better person badly enough?

I think those questions are a good start to self-improvement. They can help you past the temptation of self-distructing rebounds. They may feel good at the time but they are more trouble than they are worth. Feelings eventually get hurt because we don’t live in a perfect world. Ask yourself this, are you rebounding to ease the loneliness, hurt, and painful suffering? Or are you going into a new relationship intending to try harder and be a better person. If you love somebody worthy, wouldn’t you want to continually strive to be a better person for them and for yourself?

My hope is that the other person will always be worth the effort.

Ah the elusiveness of Love

I'm sure you've heard many times before that Love finds you when you aren't looking. I thought that was rubbish! How can it have a chance to find you if you aren't open to the idea or looking for it?

I had decided I didn't need to concentrate on finding anyone. I would date when the opportunity came but I wouldn't look any longer. I was just content at where my life was at the moment. I had finally forgiven the father of my children. I heard EVERYTHING from him that I always wanted to hear. All I really wanted was an "I'm sorry." I wanted a heartfelt one. I wanted him to realize how I felt and realize that he was wrong. Once those conditions were met, I let go all the anger and hurt. It was like a big sigh of relief, literally. I was on the phone with him and I breathed deeply and just smiled. Something shifted inside of me. The world was once again a wonderful place to live in and I didn't hate anymore. I had my family, kids, and friends. I really didn't need more than that any longer. I wasn't NOT looking anymore but I was just going to live my life the way it was going and be happy.

I started deleting online profiles. I was tired of the types of people that would show interest. There wasn't a lot of genuine people out there. I will admit that I met a few but most of them were shallow and idiotic. I do have a lot of funny stories to tell though! Remind me to tell you about the former goth guy that liked pink and pain. I also have new theories on Penis Size and the direct correlation between that and sexual skill... uh I think we need to change the subject. Anyway, I deleted my online profiles! I decluttered my online life. Made new friends, got rid of some old ones, that kind of thing. I did most of my socializing online because my real life doesn't leave me much leeway to go out and meet people. I couldn't really think of an alternative besides going back to church and attending single's wards. No thank you. For instance, they wouldn't appreciate my theories on Penis size. Among other things. I'm not saying I'm a bad person. I don't lie, cheat, steal, drunkenly sleep with half the members of the college football team, or anything else too racey or dangerous.

I met someone. I wasn't out looking. I didn't meet them on the internet. Basically fate stepped in and I was just being myself. I felt he needed a friend and I started talking to him. WHAM!! No longer am I worried about the various types of love and not being able to tell if it's the correct one or not. I always wondered about it because I never felt IT! The BIG I T. IT! Anyway, enough sap. All is great and I now have a permanent cheesy grin to go with my ensemble. I guess I'm finally fully dressed... Not that I ever had problems smiling before. This one is just different.

Peace out.