The hurdles I need to overcome in the near future

After an amazing lunch date with Corey Wilkey, I had some things coalesce in my mind. I live for these moments because they usually make good blog posts! My posts are sporadic lately because of the business of living life as a single mom. It's a lot more structured than I would like but it's necessary in order for me to survive.

Anyway, Corey and I were talking about some of the relationships in my past and why I'm a dork right now and the reasons I can't move on.  I got to thinking about the obstacles I will have to overcome in order to get to a place that I want to be.

First of all, I have to get my divorce finalized. It has been so long since I've been separated from my ex, that it feels like I'm already done but the fact of the matter is that the paperwork is still in limbo. It is driving me nuts. Some of the reasons for delay, is lack of finances, lack of interest in thinking about the actual steps in doing the paperwork, being overwhelmed with the paperwork, and life just being so busy it is hard to squeeze more into it. I am not sorry about my decision. It's been rough and I've questioned it a few times but I know that it's the right one for me. I AM sorry at the lives affected by the decision though. My children, my ex, and our families. Things seem to be calmer now than they have ever been though. The fact that he is in the army and stationed in North Carolina, has been a bit of an obstacle. The process servers never got the paperwork to him, so my lawyer finally just mailed it himself. It was signed and sent back. There is just one more thing for him to get done and sent back for it to be fully done and able to get signed off by a judge. I think that he just needs to find the time to get it done. He seems very busy with his job and the fact that they will be deploying soon. Probably January. I have mixed feelings about this but overall I just hope he makes it through sane and safe.

Now on to the subject of dating once that first hurdle is finally overcome. I'm stuck on the top of it and trying to figure out how to get down, probably because I'm short, although how I got up there in the first place is somewhat of a mystery!

I'm 30 years old. The thought of putting myself out in the dating world again is quite daunting. I hate being judged and found lacking. I hate having to be a judge of another person to see if they are compatible. I'm a pushover and I love easily. This is usually a good thing and it makes me good at my job. I also have quite the variety of friends and I love that.  The fact is, most eligible men my age, are scary in one way or another. There will be a small percentage that aren't, but I have to wade through the murky waters to find them. If a guy is single at my age it's probably because; a. He is too socially inept to have found a partner by now and is probably stuck in his bachelorhood for life and most likely prefers it that way. A partner would interfere with their gaming schedule ;) b. He is the reason his previous relationships never worked out and is most likely a jerk. c. There is something messed up in his head and he hasn't been able to get over whatever it was that caused it. Probably some heartless wench that took his heart and shattered it into a million pieces and then vacuumed it up to toss with the garbage. What are the chances that I'm going to find someone that I deserve amid that dating pool? Is there hope? Am I just pessimistic about the odds? So far, I haven't had much luck and my chances are looking grim the older I get.

Now if for some reason I can't get to the place I want to be and end up getting clotheslined by one of those hurdles, there is hope. The dating of guys counts as a ton of hurdles. It all depends on how long I'm stuck in that period of judgment. My friend Corey, he optimistically suggested that perhaps one of the 2000 stripling warriors in heaven, will be my future eternal companion. I laughed and thought to myself that I couldn't rule that out. Maybe I should hold out for the best. ;)

Currently...

I spend wasted hours thinking, wondering, hoping, imagining, and daydreaming about what my life would have been like with him. Why can't I stop doing this? It's been a year, what is wrong with me?

I don't believe that I'm a glutton for punishment. Was it true love, is that the problem? Maybe, maybe not. Most likely it is because my life feels like it is in stasis at the moment. I never had the chance to move on and find someone else to distract me from thinking of him. Maybe I will in the future. At one time I thought he was the one. Near the end, he said, I don't want you to be the right girl at the wrong time. Well the timing was definitely wrong. Maybe I wasn't the right girl either. I hope the right girl will come along and make him happy. I hope she can help fix what is wrong and be by his side for the ups and downs. I keep thinking that maybe it will be me. There was no sense of closure. It was just silence.  I keep trying to come up with what that silence meant. Dismissal? Indifference? Was there too much going on and I was just one more annoyance or distraction? I don't know. I hope not. It's hard not to believe otherwise. I try though.

I constantly look for things to distract me. I want to hear people's problems, so I don't have to concentrate on my own. I want to be social and part of people's life. It's difficult. I have a lot of obstacles to overcome. Time is one of them.

I work, take care of my kids, and then spend a few precious minutes after they are asleep to pursue other distractions. Reading, playing silly Facebook games, and chatting with friends. Lately, I fall asleep so quickly, or I stay up SO long because I can't stop thinking. I can't stop being lonely. I can't stop yearning for another anchor in reality. Those anchors keep me sane but sometimes it isn't enough. Maybe it's just not the right kind of anchor that I want. Maybe I don't need that anchor. Everything seems to push us towards couple-dom. Gee facebook, am I really that desperate that I need 3 different dating website ads on the side of my screen? Why can't we see ads that will make us feel better about being single? Being in a relationship with my other account fixed that. Blessed relief from the constant reminders that apparently I'm not doing it right.

Some days the pressures of life are overwhelming. I want someone to face it with me. I don't want to trudge through it alone. Quitting isn't an option. I just have to be patient. Trust that if I do all that I am supposed to, then everything will work out and happiness will be there. I feel moments of happiness. I feel tender moments of love and joy. I feel all the other, more negative, stuff too. I feel ungrateful for wanting more. Some days I am able to be glad and feel blessed for what I have. I wish it was easier to feel like that all the time. I wish I still had someone I could feel comfortable calling any hour of any day, so that I can cry or vent or share fun times with. There are people that are there to an extent, but the gap they can't fill, sometimes yawns wide. It isn't their fault. They just aren't the exact puzzle piece that can plug the hole in my defenses. Maybe that is impossible to find. Maybe I'm not praying hard enough.

My Sacrament Meeting talk on Service

When I was asked to speak in church, I mentioned that I haven't done something like this since I was in Young Women's talking about my favorite scripture. Brother Prince reminded me I needed to speak for 15 minutes.

I've been asked to speak on service.

First I'd like to share one of my favorite scriptures.

Jacob 6:12
Oh be wise, what can I say more?

If I chose that as my favorite scripture, I would have a hard time filling up my 15 minutes. There is more to say on the subject of being wise though, it leads me into a very familiar scripture that most of you have heard about service.

And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

It truly is wise to serve others. There are so many benefits for us. Especially if we are serving with pure intent and not to see how we can benefit from it.

It's hard for us to directly serve God, because he isn't here in person. Serving others is the perfect alternative! We not only show our love for God but we show it for people that are suffering through the trials of this life, just like we are. We can be a balm and help ease those sufferings, at the same time we can help ease our own.

When we are suffering and in pain, we tend to narrow our focus. We slowly lose the ability to care about those beyond the bounds of our own struggles. We become mired and self-involved. The more that happens, the more our pain affects us. It is a vicious cycle. When we look beyond ourselves and try to ease the burdens and suffering of those around us, our own burdens become lighter. We realize that our trials aren't as bad as we feel they are. We experience the joy of the service to others as well. We aren't as concentrated on the negative emotions we are experiencing. Just being a listening ear to a friend, showing an interest in their lives, is a service to them. There are so many different opportunities and ways to serve! Time and again the scriptures state that if we ask, our burdens will be made lighter. Your service to someone else could very well be the answer to that person's prayer.

When I was getting ready for church this morning, I prayed that I wouldn't be nervous. I prayed that I would say what I needed to say. I kept going over things in my head. I felt impressed to share something extra. I grabbed a pencil and the nearest thing to write on was the back of a greeting card. It was from my mother and she gave it to me when I was having a really rough time. She just told me how spiritual and special I am and that I would get through this.

I'm a single mother raising two children. I was inactive for over ten years. I had a hard time giving the church a chance. I'm a shy person. I felt the church was invasive. I wanted to be left alone in my worship. I didn't want to give talks, have a calling, or even talk to people. I wanted to come to church and feel the spirit then go home. One time I was complaining about it to my aunt, I must have sounded so petty. She told me that having a testimony was like the embers in a fire. If one is off by itself, it grows cold and goes out. Having the other embers around keeps them stronger and going longer. After I left my ex, I decided I was going to try every day to be a better person and a better mother. I wanted to raise my children the way I was raised, in the church with positive influences around them. I read the Book of Mormon all the way through in about a month. I wanted to make sure that I was following the right path. I never really knew if the church was true, I hadn't developed my own testimony when I was young. I lived on borrowed testimonies. I had so much fun reading the Book of Mormon again and hearing the stories I was taught as a child. Suddenly they weren't stories to me, they were accounts of real people and their struggles. It was really powerful to me. I felt so much peace reading the scriptures, that I knew that my decision to come back to church was the right one. The time the missionaries spent with my family was a great blessing. I'm grateful for the kindness of the ward members. I've always felt like I've belonged here. That was a service to me and it helped me during a lot of rough patches. The adversary didn't like the direction I decided to go. He tried to steer me away many times. You can never know the affect you can have on others with just a simple smile when it is easier to walk by without a glance.

Service comes in many forms. We are needed to complete the Lord's work here on Earth. Missionaries serve others for 2 straight years of their lives. They help so many others and in the process they change, profoundly. They gain an appreciation and love for others through their service. One missionary said this, "Serving your fellow men is the same as serving God. Serving is really the key to coming to know Jesus Christ. That’s why we serve people wherever we can.”

Knowing Jesus Christ helps us to become more like him. He is our shepherd and He leads us. Through His example, we can see how to pattern our own lives. His whole life was spent serving others. The scriptures are an account of His life and a guide for our own. It's like an open book test!

I read a quote about service that I really loved. I would tell you who said it but I can't pronounce his name.
I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.

I know that this is true. I am blessed to work in a job that helps people. I see the benefits daily. My boss is someone I look up to. He has a true spirit of service. I was joking with him earlier about this talk I had to give. He was trying to make me feel better by saying, well if you don't do a good job, they won't make you talk again for a long time! He really does make our work place a very pleasant and fun place to be. When he was hired, I asked him what made him decide to work here because it isn't the easiest job out there. He shared with me his story. He watched the movie "The Ultimate Gift" and he said it changed his perspective on life. He wanted to make a difference and help people. The job opening was only up for a week. He was sitting at his desk and decided right then he was going to get a different job. He thought about where he could work that would be more meaningful. He decided on the school district or the hospital. He opened up the web site and saw the job listing and applied for it. He ended up taking the job. He now makes 20k less a year so that his job will be meaningful to him and make a difference in people's lives. I hear people's stories every day and I KNOW that I am making a difference too. One woman came in from the Dove center. She was probably trying to get out of an abusive relationship. She had 2 children and she desperately needed church clothing for all of them. They only allocate a certain amount in a voucher but I was able to make sure she had what she needed. It made me so grateful for my family and the help that I receive on a daily basis. I didn't have to escape an abusive relationship and I don't have to do everything alone either. I am blessed to have help. This job helps me to see how bad things could have been though and I'm grateful for what I do have. I'm so thankful that my children don't need anything. Serving others gives you that perspective. I don't get paid much and sometimes it is a thankless job, but there are days when those people come in and they are so truly grateful for what we do and it makes it all worth it. I come home and my burdens feel lighter because I witness those whose burdens seem staggering. I hope that what I do, helps lift them up and give them hope. I heard another woman say that if it wasn't for us or the programs we have at our store, she wouldn't have sheets on her bed.

I want to share this story about someone who wanted to be thoughtful and help someone else.

A few years ago a friend of mine was going through a difficult separation from her husband. She swore she still loved him but his actions had hurt her deeply. It was Christmas and my friend's husband had been away for a few months. The family was large-they had six children-and I wondered how my friend and her brood were going to make it through the Christmas season. Not only because of their recent lack of money, but more importantly, because their father would not be as closely woven into the festivities this year as in previous years.

After discussing the problem briefly with my young children, we decided that what the family needed was some plain and simple fun.

We purchased some tickets for a local sporting event, bought a card, and planned a day to deliver the surprise. As an afterthought we decided to buy a potted plant-nothing fancy, but my children thought the purple blooms were beautiful.

When the day arrived to deliver the gifts, all hearts were beating in anticipation. Eagerly my husband and I walked, while the children rushed to the door. We were greeted by three of her small children. Behind them stood their mother. She invited us in.

"We thought you'd like this," I began, the potted plant held snugly under one arm. She reached for the plant, but what I'd meant to give her was the tickets in the crisp, white envelope.

Suddenly, my friend burst into tears. "How did you know?" she said, taking the potted plant in her hands. Tears were streaming down her face and I had no idea what to say. Neither did any of my family members.

"Today is my wedding anniversary. He always buys me flowers. But this year." Her wedding anniversary?

My friend's voice trailed off and I felt the lump that had entered my throat grow into mammoth size. I wondered if she was angry that we'd made her remember her special day. I wondered why we'd purchased that stupid plant.

But her next words surprised me even more than her first revelation. "Thank you for helping me to remember."

I blinked my eyes, realizing that a few tears had begun to accumulate on my own eyelashes. I wiped them with the back of my hand, and almost as an afterthought, handed my friend the tickets, explaining what they were. As we left, she thanked us again for our thoughtfulness.

I walked outside in a daze. What had just happened? But the true gift was unmistakable.

Let the spirit prompt you when you are serving others. The spirit will help you to provide what that person really needs. That simple plant made such a difference to that woman. It reminded her of some of the good times in her marriage and as a result could be something that brings her and her husband closer together again.

Service can be as simple as being a friend to others. It can be sacrificing 2 years of your life to be a missionary. You can do genealogy and find hundreds of names that need their work done. You can attend the temple and help complete the work of all those names. You can help a neighbor in need with yard work or meals when they are unable to do it themselves. You can help take care of someone's kids so they can have a chance to go on a date with their spouse.

I am also lucky to work with volunteers. They spend hours at the Thrift Store and they don't get paid for it. I love their example and it helps me to work harder. I've heard that for those volunteers that are older, their lives are longer. It gives them something to look forward to and live for. They have purpose in their lives and they feel needed. I'm sure it helps ease some loneliness as well. They are such great people. It is amazing to be surrounded by selfless people. Their service and sacrifice is such an inspiration to me and to others. I love talking about my job because of all those people and the service we do for others.

I hope that we can all find ways to be of service to others. I know that this is what Heavenly Father would want us to do.

*Testimony* I'm grateful to be a member of the church, I'm grateful that no matter how tough life gets, we have the church and the gospel to guide us and be our island of calm and assurance. I know that this church is true. I am grateful for the guidance of a true prophet of God. I'm grateful for the scriptures and the guidance they can give us if we will read them and let them be a part of our lives. I'm so grateful for God's presence in my life. Just knowing there is someone there that will always listen and always look out for me, makes my burdens lighter. I know I'm not alone. I pray that we can keep other's ember's warm and lit. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My guilty pleasures!

I read someone else's blog post about their guilty pleasures. This person put them out in the open so that maybe they wouldn't have to feel quite so guilty if people knew about them. I thought it was a GREAT idea! So I'm going to write mine down. I don't really have an order and I'm really a random person so I guess I will just write them down as I think of them.

#1. I like romance novels. Especially the cheesy fantasy based ones. The more supernatural powers and fantastical ideas, the better!

#2. I am addicted to gum. If I see a new flavor, I have to buy it. I can't resist. I also have a problem with swallowing my gum. I'm kind of a ding bat and I forget I'm chewing it and the next thing I know, it's gone. If I don't concentrate on it, I guess my body thinks it's food instead of something to keep my jaw busy.

#3. I'm attracted to geeks. I have tried to deny this, but I can't. They are just so dang cute! They are awkward and smart all at the same time. It's just adorable. I have this idea that they are so grateful when a girl pays attention to them and will treat her like she deserves because they can't believe that they rolled a 20 and they better take advantage of their luck! Next time it could be a 1 and that very well could mean their death.

#4. I love compliments. I never know how to respond to them, but I love them and I admit that I will seek them out more than I probably should. Here is a secret though, the best way is to be free with compliments yourself but make sure they are well thought out and sincere.

#5. I hate organizing. My room is pleasantly chaotic and I feel comfortable in it. That's the way my brain works. Sometimes the brain drives me nuts because I have a hard time focusing. I write to help me organize my thoughts. Organizing my room is an entirely different matter and not nearly as enjoyable as writing. I organize so much at work that it's hard to do it at home. Whoops I forgot to write a guilty pleasure on this one, I was just admitting a fault. I like hanging out with gay guys. They are funny, honest, and refreshingly themselves.

#6. I love talking about my problems with the hope that in some small way it can do some good. I read this really funny quote that said something like, If you can't be a good example, be a really horrible warning. I am so open about the mistakes in my past because I hope it can be a horrible warning to the young people I interact with in my life.

#7. I love bright funky socks, fingernail polish, and dangling earrings. At least they are small items and don't cost a ton, so when I spend money on them I don't feel TOO guilty.

#8. I talk a lot. Maybe I hope some of the things coming out of my mouth will be funny and I can make someone laugh. If I'm quiet, it's usually because I'm either editing myself, something is wrong, or I just don't know you well enough to burden you with the strong force of my personality. I can be a little bit overwhelming sometimes. If I have a strong opinion about something, I will tell it to you. I am also extremely honest. Growing up and getting to be a better person is sometimes a painful process. You have to be honest with yourself and your faults in order to overcome them.

#9. I LOVE when someone spends time thinking about me or talking to me or spending time with me. I have a deep need to be needed by others and it makes me feel a little more worthy of the Earth's precious oxygen.

#10. I love laughing. I laugh easily. If you want to feel funny, come tell me a joke. Even if it is stupid, I'll laugh. Keep the jokes clean though. I'm trying to keep my mind out of the gutter! It falls in there too easily for me to invite those kind of things into my head on purpose!

Being an adult...I don't remember signing up for this.

When you meet someone and start dating, how is everything supposed to happen? Do you work up to loving them or do you feel an almost instant love and spend the dating time waiting for the shoe to drop? Is there a right way?

Someone asked me if I felt that the person I was dating, was "The one". I replied that of course I thought they were the one. That's why I was still dating them. You break up when you realize they aren't the one, right? Or they throw the other shoe in your face instead of waiting for it to drop.

It's hard to let go of something like that. I feel as if I'm making progress and then something happens to jar my equilibrium. They send me a text saying hi. Or their family chats with me and I can't help but link them to him. One day you find out they have been terribly ill. Then you think about them MORE and you are worried about them. Praying for them to make it through. All the while, just falling back down into that hole you had been clawing to get out of.

Sometimes, Love Stinks.

Liking yourself

I'm not talking about liking what you see when you look in the mirror. That is a whole different post and something I haven't mastered yet. It will be something I am going to be working on though. I saw a cute status about it though that someone had put on facebook.

"My body is not perfect... but I nurtured my babies and I am proud! Too bad if we don't look perfect... but every mark, every line, and every bit of skin represents our beautiful babies and what we have done for them. Having a baby is no easy task! We are strong, we are brave, and we should be proud of ourselves."

I think that is a good place to start with that next goal of mine. :)

Anyway, back to the original reason for this post. Do you like who you are? Not what you look like but who you are on the inside? Why?

There is always some good and some bad in people. We are told over and over that no one is perfect. Except for Jesus of course. I like to believe that we have what it takes to become like him someday.

I haven't always liked who I was. I thought I was clumsy, forgetful, flawed, impatient, and basically just not good enough. It was frustrating to me and it also felt hopeless. There were a few events that happened in my life to shake it up a bit. Little by little I started taking those hard first steps forward. I found a path to self-improvement. I think I stumbled upon it because I was just so flippin tired of lies. There were lies all around me. It felt like a way of life even though I tried not to buy in. It was infinitely easier to lie to myself though. I lied to myself that I was happy. I was content with the direction that life was going. I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough for better and that I would be ok with what I had. I settled for a life that I knew deep down wasn't what I should have been doing. I was a casual observer because of the guilt I felt. It was easier to distance myself and just live a half-life. There was too much pain and it wasn't really happening to me. I am naturally forgetful but I started forgetting important events because I had somehow convinced myself that just observing was the way to go. I got really scared. I didn't want my life to be something muted and distant. I didn't want to forget the happy times with my children. I actually wanted to FEEL something. It seemed like I only really felt negative emotions, even though I tried to hide from them. It didn't really work. I still suffered through them but I did succeed in hiding from happiness and joy.

So how did I fix this? I am not really sure but I think that just becoming aware of the problem helped a lot. Eventually I worked up to being able to be brutally honest with myself. There is a fine line between low self-esteem and honestly admitting to your faults. I'm sure I fell off that line quite often. If it just felt hopeless or depressing, then I was going at it wrong. If it felt constructive and gave me hope that I was actually accomplishing something, then I knew I was doing it right. At first it was easier to work baby steps and concentrate on the easy to fix problems but eventually I ran out of those and knew that there was a whopper of a problem that I was avoiding. I didn't fix that problem out of the blue. There were several catalysts that kicked me into gear and almost forced me to make the hard decisions that I knew I should have made long ago. I lied to myself for a long time and justified my previous actions. I was out of chances and knew I needed to shape myself up. It felt out of my hands at the time but I'm so glad that events conspired to bring me to where I am now. Trials can bring out the best or they can bring out the worst. YOU decide how they are going to affect you. I indulged a lot in a poor me attitude. That's ok up to a point. There comes a time though that you have to snap out of it and move on with your life. Hopefully it's going in a forward motion. My favorite choir teacher used to say something to the effect that you can't stay in one spot. You are either moving forward or falling back. It really is true.

I like myself because I feel like I am moving in a forward motion most of the time. I'm honest with the things I need to work on and it gives me a goal. I also like myself because of my strengths and my talents. There were a few hidden ones that I never knew I had but life can surprise you in good ways too.

just more of my inner thoughts

I was chatting to a friend today and something gelled inside my brain.

Everything happens for a reason. We have the ability and chance to choose for ourselves the path our lives will take. Sometimes the path takes a rocky course that traverses up high mountains and down rocky ravines. We fall into the river and the muck and we struggle to get ourselves out. We ask why would God put these trials in our path or we wonder when we will get a break and things will finally go the way we want them to.

Why did I end up with my ex? Was that supposed to happen? I think it comes to our choices. One, of course, is better than the other and I know I didn't choose correctly. I was too stubborn and I deliberately blinded myself. I KNEW I shouldn't be with him. I KNEW I should have been doing something different and I knew I wasn't doing the things that the Lord would want me to do. I chose to ignore all that and give Jon a chance because I HOPED that things would go the way they were supposed to. Because I had done this, things did go the way they were meant to.

I had something that I needed to learn from that mistake. God can't take away our agency. We suffer for the choices we make or we are blessed for the choices we make. The suffering doesn't have to be needless though as long as we learn and progress from it. Making the same mistake over and over is just stupidity. I wasted a lot of time but we all know the great things that came out of that experience. I AM a better person than I was and I have wonderful children. I am lucky to always have my ex in my life as an example of how things were and could be again if I decide to be stupid and make stupid choices again.

Our trials bring us closer to God. It's sad that those things are what push us in the right direction. I'm grateful for the examples of those that have chosen the right path. I can see the difference that God has made in their lives. I can see the good gifts of the spirit that I want in my life. I see a lot more clearly the path that I need to stay on because I am intimately familiar with the pitfalls. That is one blessing that has come at great expense.

Everything happens for a reason. If we are totally honest with ourselves and have a good moral foundation to rely upon, we don't need to fear. If we have God in our corner to rely upon, we can look towards choices with gladness. We can embrace change and we can continually progress towards the ultimate goal of Eternal life and happiness with Heavenly Father, Jesus, and our families at our side.

I have to give a talk next week in Relief Society. She asked me to spend 5 to 10 minutes talking about the person or experience that has pointed me towards Jesus. All the great examples of righteousness, combined with the experience of not doing the things that the Lord wanted me to do, was a sufficient catalyst for me to choose to go towards Jesus and learning about him and striving to become like him. When I am being Christ-like, I love myself. You can't help loving Jesus because he is our savior and he was perfect. He is a worthy example to emulate and that increases our own worth in our eyes. He loves us no matter what we are or what we choose. Our choices will give him degrees of happiness or sadness though. The more love there is for a person, the more powerful the happy and sad times. God loves us infinitely and Eternally. I want to cause him great joy because he has done all he can for me.

4:45am continued

I started writing more because the stuff I had written previously wasn't enough to get me to go to sleep.

People always search for their "other half"

The one that will know them better than any other.

I'm a twin. We grew up.

My "other half" that was always there, is now missing most days. We have seperate lives and we've made different choices.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of living next door to my sisters. We would have babies together, go on walks together, complain/praise about our spouses together. Jen was always included. I felt like I bridged a gap between my two sisters. At times I would feel closer to Jen, other times I would feel closer to Amy. I always had someone though.

As I got older, my relationship with my brother grew. He was someone to rely on and be there for me since the person I picked, to live the remainder of my life with, wasn't living up to his end of the bargain. Every once in a while he would do something thoughtful for me. One Easter he brought me an entire bag of only purple M&Ms. He saw them and thought of me. Another time he saw some pretty purplish-silver pillowcases, and gave them to me. He saw them and thought of me. Recently I had to fix a broken heart. I wanted to be upbeat so I set my status on facebook that I needed happy socks. I have a drawer full of them. I proceeded to put some on and wear them all day. I didn't think about them as much as I should have. I didn't smile often that day. Near the end of my shift, my brother showed up with a bag. He gave them to me, a little embarrassed and apologetic. He had picked out 3 pairs of "happy" socks. He was nervous whether or not I would like them. He had gone to the store specifically to look for socks that would brighten my day. It was so sweet that I was in his thoughts that much.

My mother has always been a constant in my life. She did everything she could to make sure her children were happy. She lived for us. As soon as she had children, her choices then were made BECAUSE of us. Her life wasn't happy. She grew up in an abusive home. When she met dad, she thought he was the one. He was so much better than any previous experiences she had had. We choose our life partners based on a whole lot of things. She didn't have the same opportunities to view love and happiness so she didn't have a good past to compare someone to. Her future seemed so much brighter that she was blinded and didn't realize there may be other and better possibilities. For quite a long time she was as happy as she knew how to be. She found joy and accomplishment in taking care of and raising her children. As we got older, she had to shift her focus off of us. This was extremely hard for her because so much of her happiness in life was tied up in us. She was at a loss. She didn't have too many hobbies to shift focus to. She discovered that she didn't want to keep living with the person she had put up with for so long. She finally chose something for herself, to find her own happiness. That road she went down and is continuing to go down, has been a struggle. People don't understand. People judge. Choices in the present, tainted memories of the past. Things she had worked so hard for all her life would disappear. People let her down over and over again. The kids that she had done so much for, were selfish and unappreciative. They struggled not to judge her. Sometimes they succeeded, sometimes they didn't. I can't even imagine the pain that would have caused her. She sees her children make mistakes and it hurts her that she can't prevent it. It hurts her when we hurt. She wants to fix it all for us but she can't. She struggles with that. The only thing she is guilty of in that instance, is that she loves us so much. How can we be upset with that? We don't like to hear what she has to say. We think we know better. We hope that our story will only be happy and that it won't end up like hers did. We don't realize all that she has gone through so we doubt her judgement. At this point in her life, she has seen and experienced ugliness, pain, beauty, joy, love, hate, blind judgement, acceptance etc. She is more equipped with wisdom than we are. Just because she didn't always make the right choices, doesn't mean that she hasn't learned from them. She could impart some of that wisdom, if we would listen. We aren't humble enough to hear her though. I think that because of her, I'm always trying to become more than what I am. I'm trying to improve myself and get closer to my potential. She believes I am capable of so much, why should I be hurt when she is disappointed in me? I should be so happy that she thinks that I can do better. She believes in me and she thinks I am better than I am. So I try to be better than I am always. Sometimes life overwhelms me. When that happens, she holds me and lets me cry on her shoulder. She tells me that she knows what I'm going through. My feelings aren't unique. I'm sure she's felt them before too. She isn't perfect but I love her just the same. She has always loved me unconditionally, I haven't always returned that favor but I try. I forgive her when she's selfish and moody and cranky, and short with me. People are selfish because the hurt they are feeling overwhelms anything from the outside. They don't always have the ability to see past the hurt. She has always laid everything aside when I need her. She almost becomes a different person. She has a purpose and that purpose is to fix whatever it is that is wrong with her child. If she can't fix it, then she can be there for them. She's not always a silent partner in that relationship though. She's blunt. She can be hurtful. She never intends to cause pain with her words, thoughts, or actions. She always always just wants to help but she doesn't always know how. Because of her motivations, I find it easy to forgive her over and over again. It's easy to forgive someone if we can understand why they do the things they do. If we can figure out their motivation. This light goes on in our heads and we think, OH That's why they did that. Ok. I can live with that.

My family would step in and fill in the gap whenever they could. It wasn't always possible though and I wasn't often happy. They helped me to go on. If you aren't moving forward, you are moving backward. You can't stay in one place no matter how much you may wish it. They prodded me forward. They inspired me to always strive to be a better person.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to his Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

What do we have the power to change? Ourselves. That's about it. We can influence our surroundings and the people in our lives but only to a small degree. Wisdom is realizing that we can't control what other people choose. We can only change ourselves and hope to be an example that others may pattern their own lives after. Hopefully the choices we make, will make us examples of goodness. How do we make sure of that? Who should we pattern our own lives after? We have an example of perfection that we can try and aspire to. Jesus lived and we have records indicating the type of man he was. We have a cheat sheet! What would Jesus do? That isn't just a trendy phrase. We should make all our choices that way. We need to use Him as a pattern and hope we don't go too far off the lines.

We can't force anyone else to do what we think they should do. We should stop being frustrated when someone continually makes choices contrary to what we think they should make. Wouldn't it be easier if we could force people to do the things we think they should do? I think that person will be happy if they do this [insert proper choice] Should we have a magic wand and BLING they suddenly are doing it? I think that was Satan's plan in the pre-existance. That one got rejected in favor of free agency. Remember? No, I don't remember either. We are taught that way though. I have faith that I didn't choose poorly then or I wouldn't be here now. Peace will come if you let others live their own lives. Just accept them for who they are. Love them unconditionally. That doesn't mean you have to like the choices they make. That means you love them anyway. Concentrating on all the good things in a person makes it easy to love them that way. No one is perfect, if you keep looking for bad things in other people, you'll find it. Do you want to surround yourself with that kind of ugliness though?

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Everyone has trials. Everyone has hardships. It's a fact of life. How we weather those trials though shows the type of person we are. Without the pain in life, we don't fully appreciate Joy. Patience, longsuffering, humbleness...those are all qualities that will bring us happiness. We can slog through life's trials or we can sing through life's trials and then hopefully use those experiences for good.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding

We are constantly deceived. We can be tricked into believing something is good when in fact it isn't. That happens because we only see part of what is going on. We don't see the whole picture. God sees the whole picture! We may not always understand what He has in store for us but if we live life by the teachings and examples of Christ, we can't go wrong. Luke 6:43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Just LOOK at the results and use that the judge whether something is good or not. If it is evil or wrong, it won't bring forth good fruit. Satan is good at tempting us with that fruit. It's so temporary though. The pleasure is fleeting when we go after those things. I need to continually strive to be humble and trust that the Lord's way is the right way. I don't need to justify myself or think of reasons to give in to sin. I don't have any reasons good enough to justify sin.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to his Will;

He will lighten your load. If you trust him, the worries are gone and peace is within reach..

4:45am

UGH! Why did I wake up that early?

When I fell asleep, I was sad. I talked to my twin sister yesterday evening and she tried to cheer me up. It helped to vent to her but I was so mired in what I was experiencing and feeling that it didn't really help at the time. I was being selfish.

I had a dream about her. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream but it ended with her and I in a recording studio. We were making up a song on the spot and getting it recorded. It was rough and frankly it wasn't that great but it made me cry. I woke up and I my thoughts were racing. I was wide awake and I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I ran upstairs and got a notebook and wrote the stupid song down. I don't know how to write a song! I'm not creative like that. I ended up with 2 melody lines that are basically the same but opposite as well. It's like a mirror. In a lot of ways Amy is a mirror of myself. I had some sappy lines as well. They sort of conveyed how I was feeling but the structure got in the way. Then I thought about just changing that into a poem. Every once in a while I get hit with inspiration and I want to write something thought provoking but vague enough that anyone can read it and relate. That didn't work for me either. I have disjointed starts and stops and phrases and meanings, and some rhyming words and I just couldn't find a pattern I was happy with.

Then I decided that I just need to just write my thoughts and feelings. I opened up word pad. I wanted to write something to her to tell her how I felt. I think it all started because of something she said to me last night. She was trying to tell me how much she needs me in her life. She said she didn't know what she would do without me. I know that she would go on. She doesn't rely on me for anything that is life and death. She's an adult, she can provide any of that for herself. I don't need her for that stuff either. She is one of the reasons that make my life worth living though. She is someone I always look forward to talking to and sharing everything with. I know she loves me even when I'm not that fun to be around. When I'm in a rotten mood or when I'm feeling hopeless, she isn't dragged down by me. She tries to lift me back up. She admitted that one of the reasons she loves me is because I can crack a joke even when my heart is breaking. I'm glad that I can provide some amusement to those people in my life that have to deal with my meltdowns. That isn't sarcastic or anything. It is a source of hope for me. I know I must be really bad if I can't see humor in a situation. If I can't even laugh about anything, then I'm on a brink and I'm in danger of falling. I'm blessed to have uplifting people in my life. Of course I feel like a burden at times. When that happens I try to see it from their point of view. Do they resent me? Most likely they don't. They probably think I'm silly at times but I'd like to think that when I have to lean on them, it makes their own burdens seem lighter. How would that be possible? Well they can think, hmm I'm SO glad I don't have to deal with that. It makes my own problems seem trivial. People say, it could always be worse. Sometimes I'm one of the examples of when it could be worse. Sometimes I'm not. They are my examples of "it could always be better" and it gives me something to work towards. It gives me hope that all isn't lost. Because of their love and examples, giving up isn't an option to me. Sometimes I like to wallow a bit in the sadness. Purge myself with crying and then suffer with a stuffy nose and burning eyes for hours after. After I do that, I can move on and concentrate on bigger and better things.

I get feeling down because I feel like I do everything alone. I live my life basically alone at the moment. I don't have anyone to shop with or hang out with in real life. That sucks sometimes but then I realize that I have a phone and I do have people in my life that will answer, no matter what time it is that I call. They may not be available to chat with me while I shop but I am comforted by the fact that if I really need them, there are a handful of people that will be there for me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to call on that so often. Hopefully someday I won't have to and I'll be able to find the peace I'm looking for. I also hope that I can get into the habit of praying more often. That is a constant source of love and support that I don't take advantage of as often as I should. I get bogged down and I forget. Which is what the adversary is hoping, right? My family and friends help lift me up high enough that I can stretch out my arms and reach higher, maybe high enough to take the Hand that is always offered.

Thank you.

Love

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

I really can't think of a better example of love right there.

How can we ever be worthy of such a gift and sacrifice?

For a long time I felt unworthy of that gift. I felt unworthy to even talk with God or ask for help for things. I let myself become estranged from the one thing that would help me feel worthy. It was a loop that I couldn't escape. I went around and around. I felt hopeless and because of that, I never attempted to get out of the circular thinking.

Mosiah 4:7 I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world.

I don't see any exceptions there. It is available for everyone! Even one such as I!

I know I'm not perfect and that sin is inevitable. Why can't I pay for it myself? Why can't I do the suffering? Why do I need the atonement?

I was reading a book, Believing Christ, that was recommended to me by a very good friend. There is a passage in it that says this:

A covenant is a contract, an agreement with terms and obligations binding upon both parties. In modern times we validate a contract and make it binding and legal by having both parties sign it. In ancient times covenants were validated and made binding by shedding the blood of a sacrificial animal. Hence, the Hebrew idiom for making a covenant is "to cut a covenant." The blood of the sacrificial victim was called "the blood of the covenant," and when it was shed, the terms of the contract were considered to be in force and binding upon both contracting parties.

Jesus is the sacrificial victim for the atonement. That's why he is referred to as the Lamb of God. By the shedding of this innocent blood, it makes the contract or covenant valid and binding. It seems a bit barbaric but that was how covenants were made back then. Christ had to be perfect because it called for a sacrifice. He never had to suffer those things because he never committed the sins in the first place. He had the ability to choose the suffering. We suffer because of the consequences of the inevitable sins we commit. We don't have the ability to choose to suffer or not.

People suffer for sins every day. Is that suffering enough to atone for the mistake? The Mosaic law was introduced to help people atone for their sins. It was a just way to pay for those sins because the world didn't have the atonement yet. An eye for an eye etc. If you cause someone to lose an eye and you lose yours in return, isn't that a sufficient punishment to satisfy the conditions of the sin? I believe we have two sets of consequences for sins we commit. There are earthly consequences and heavenly consequences. We experience the earthly consequences when we break the law. We have to pay fines or go to jail. The atonement is our heavenly get out of jail card but it isn't for free. As imperfect humans, we do ALL we can to atone for the sin we have committed. Let's say you did poke someone's eye out and you lose your eye in return. What about the loss of sight that you can never restore? You can't fully atone for what you did because you can't make that eye grow back. We can't cross that gap ourselves, that is where the atonement comes in. God requires of us to do all we can, then he will take care of the rest. He knows we can't do it all ourselves and he knows that we will never be perfect except through the atonement. If I feel unworthy of that gift, then I'm calling God a liar. Seems harsh doesn't it? He created us all in his image. We have God potential in all of us. If he created us to be that amazing and awesome, then we are. Simple! You are worthy of forgiveness and don't you forget it.

This stuff I've just spouted. It's what I believe in. I have faith that God will help me cross that gap. I trust that he will forgive me once I've done my part. I feel worthy of that forgiveness because He thinks I'm worthy.

That is love. He loves us unconditionally. Even in sin he loves us. He wants to keep his promises to us but we have to do our part.