Natalie epiphany.

Honesty. Have I always been this honest with myself and everyone around me? I don't think I have! Then I got to thinking about it. Why haven't I? It's so gosh darn important to me now, why wasn't it always. I never outright lied but I wasn't always as open and blunt as I am now. On the surface the answer is obvious. Being married to a pathalogical liar, of course, pits me against lying. I talked with a friend today and he said that confidence goes with honesty. I dismissed it right off. It seemed like two completely unrelated things. It stuck with me though and I started thinking about it more and more. They do go together. If I value myself, then I don't have anything to hide. I don't have to lie to make myself look or seem better. I love who I am and I am proud to let the world see it too. I haven't always felt that way and I haven't always been completely honest with myself about my flaws. As I've started becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, I've either changed the things I don't like about myself or I've accepted them and seen the good in it. Everyone is different and no one is perfect. If you are a liar, look at the reasons why you feel the need to lie. and then change them or be at peace with who you are and stop trying to hide it.

Jingle Boobs

My son Kaden, who is currently 7, stuck 2 bells down his shirt the other day and pretended they were boobs. He then went on to sing an effin hilarious rendition of Jingle bells but substituted bells for the word boobs. He was shimmying all over trying to get those fake boobs of his to jingle all the while singing at the top of his lungs. I laughed so hard. I even took video of it with my phone! I was contemplating posting it on the internet but my mom would kill me for shamelessly exploiting my child just so people could laugh. I realized I didn't want him to hate me when he was older so I decided to refrain from posting the previously mentioned funny video. I couldn't help talking about it though! Serious laughter ensued after that momentous event.

The glory of man

I was joking around with some friends one day and we started talking about all the great words that start with man or men! We were of course being facetious about the greatness of the words other than how greatly funny it was.

manacles- Yup that's right, yet another way that men can hold us back. Sometimes it can be okay though as long as both are consenting adults.

menacing- This word can go along with the previous word for some kinky alliteration fun.

meningitis- Inflammation of the brain..I don't believe I need to add anything further.

menial- Boring work of low status. Yup, it's a keeper!

manic- The beginning of the word explains why depressive is a common word that usually follows this one.

manipulate- Women seem to excel at this sport but only because we have become adept at figuring out which brain men like to think with the most.

menopause- This word is like men because it causes women varying degrees of discomfort.

menstruation- The monthly discharge of menses...Thank you for starting this with men, it reminds us that they get the fun part in procreation.

menagerie- A collection of live animals for study or display. There are some men out there that are only good to look at...okay maybe that covers a lot of them.

Here are a few more words that don't really need an explanation.

mental Illness
manure
manhole (hahahaha)
mangled

*disclaimer* I'm not really a man hater. At least not by the Bible's definition of man being an all encompassing word for mankind. I do kind of hate one man though. Just a single entity has really ruined my opinion on men and that's judgmental I know and hopefully someday I'll get over it. Hopefully! Otherwise I may start having to contemplate lesbianism more seriously. ;)

My psychosis. An explanation of the progression.

I've recently found out that I have severe trust issues. I think that some of it stems from my past relationship of being married to someone who would lie about a lot of different things. Especially ones that were inconsequential. I never know what to believe anymore from anyone. In that particular relationship I was just better off not believing anything. I didn't follow that advice but I would have been better off. Some of my trust issues also have to do with a low self esteem. If we don't value ourselves then we can be taken advantage of easier but we also don't trust anything that could be genuine. I've recently experienced trying to discern whether someone was telling me the truth or not. I tended to believe anything positive was a lie. Anything negative I tried to justify with reasons instead of believing them for lies at first. Now I'm at the point that I think it's all lies after reasoning it all out! When will I ever know how to trust again. How will I be able to get over these issues? I'd like to think that if someone was genuine in their feelings for me, they would help me work through them by giving me reasons and hard supported facts for some of the things that happen. At least until I get more comfortable in the relationship or situation. While I was working through these feelings and figuring out why I can't trust, it felt like an exercise in validating my deficiencies with facts from my own deficient point of view. Round and round I went. I think it would be interesting if they made that a standardized test for people that are declared mentally incompetent. Please write an essay on the particular psychosis you were labeled with. Include facts, observations, and events that led up to your eventual break down and subsequent incarceration. They would be fun to read anyway!

Halloween = excuse to act like kids or whores!

So Halloween is fast approaching. I decided it was time to venture to our local stores and check out what they have for the kids to wear. Why are the costumes made out of such cheap material but cost more than an entire outfit. Ok so I shop the Wal-Mart clearance racks and admittedly my outfits don't cost much. Which is why I'm probably dateless still. That or the fact that I don't get out much. Or it could be because I can't fit into a bat girl costume. So says Kaden, I'm sure I mentioned that in an earlier post. He reminded me of the fact when we went down the aisle and he said to me, as he's pointing to the horrible costume that I wouldn't want to wear anyway, "See mommy, you can't fit into that." Well he's right because it was a teen sized medium which means it can fit on a 7 year old under-fed chihuahua. I AM going to be bat girl though! I decided I can be whatever I want. I don't want to be a pencil, I want to be a plush bat girl. Maybe Christian Bale will somehow see me in my sexy bat glasses and want me for his very own! A girl can dream.

Anyway, enough about me.
Although, honestly who wouldn't want more? Huh? Seriously I'm effin awesome.

So 5 shopping trips later the kids now have their costumes! Kaden will be a shadow ninja because it was on sale at the thrift store for 4 dollars. He is happy as a clam because we bought this sweeeeet ninja sword/sai set that you can strap to you back. SHING! As the sword is drawn and Kaden defends humanity from the mysterious Alien monsters or Politicians. Nia will be going as an Alligator. We had a debate about whether it was an alligator or a crocodile. By we, I mean me and myself. I decided crocodiles have fat mouths and this one was an Alligator. Knowing my luck I have that backwards but oh well. I'm the mom and right now I know everything except the days that Kaden has to go to school. Then I know nothing, according to Kaden. Anyway, I let her choose between that costume and the Dalmatian puppy! I was silently urging for the puppy costume in my head because she would be so freakin adorable but alligators and being able to make monster sounds won out in the end. She does have an awesome growl. It causes women to tear up and men to wish that their daughters will be ugly until they are 30 because they can't handle that kind of cuteness.

Those costumes really irk me though. The cutest ones are made out of chiffon and that's it. How the heck is that going to keep a toddler warm? I LOVE fairies. I wanted her to be one but I didn't want her to die because of elemental exposure or lose her wings that are so awesome they Velcro to the back of the little slip of a dress. Velcro wings on a toddler? Puhlease. They won't stay on for more than 5 minutes the whole night. That's if you are going to be indoors. She would have to wear a coat outside that would cover up the whole costume. Waste of money. So no fairy this year. We got the industrial sized version that will allow you to put a jacket on underneath the already very warm costume. She will be a cute little alligator and safe from frostbite as well! Kaden's costume has fake muscles that will aid in insulation while at the same time helping to camouflage the bulky jacket I will be making him wear underneath. Heck of a deal for 4 dollars!

Moms are awesome

So yesterday I was doing Nia's hair and my mom was looking at me and she said, "I'm sorry, you got your dad's chicken legs." I looked at her and said, "Yeah I got his butt too." She used this as an excuse to start talking about my high chances of getting Diabetes. I cut her off and said, "I know mom." She said, "See this is why I never talk to you anymore, you always get so defensive."

I love the conversations with my tactless mom! They are so great for the self esteem. She could have started this conversation a lot better by cutting out the I'm sorry and chicken. That still lets her lead into her diabetes lecture without the unnecessary rudeness. She gets upset that I have a low self esteem and then she reinforces my love levels by saying crap like that. This is actually one of the nicer conversations we've had. She's a nurse so she thinks she is allowed to constantly tell me that kind of stuff. I appreciate her concern. She always acts so surprised that she's already had the conversation with me. Maybe I should tell her to get tested for alzheimers. She sees symptoms of illness in everything I do!

I vow as a mother to stop perpetuating the low self esteem cycle! My mom always says you can't teach what you don't have. She is referring to self esteem. Well gosh dang it. I'm awesome just the way I am and I want my daughter to feel that way about herself every minute of her life.

Slightly embarrassing shopping list

I was talking to a friend about things that may be embarrassing to purchase at a store, especially when they are all thrown together! We compiled a list of common household items that would be embarrassing to get all together. The rule we had was that they had to be completely innocuous all on their own. That means I had to take off the ginormous box of condoms that I wanted on the list. I left the obvious stuff off like whipped cream. Pshh everyone uses that. We wanted to be more creative!

Zucchinis
Feather Duster
Vasaline (replaced KY with that since it's more innocent)
Cartoon bandaids
Razor
Rubber gloves (those giant yellow ones are teh sexy!)
Water Bed repair kit
baby oil
rope (can be used for many different things!)
medical eyepatch
Preparation H (whatever happened to A-G har har)
giant black garbage bags (this makes for easy clean up if things get a little kinky :P and they aren't to transport a body! We don't do that!)
rubbing alcohol
matches
toilet plunger
duct tape


penciled in at the bottom as an after thought
OOOooo one of those big cans of nacho cheese you can get in the bulk aisle!

HAHAHA I don't know why I thought the list was so amusing but there you have it, I'm weird.

Famous Dave's BBQ

Famous Dave's BBQ

I went there on Friday. I was famous by association! That's effin sweet. I'm going to use that effin sweet thing all the time. Just a warning, it's my new favorite famous phrase! Famous because I said it! Anyway back to Famous Dave's. We had a lovely time chatting and we really didn't have to wait long for our food! Our server's name was Famous Steele. I was impressed, I suddenly knew a famous person! We ordered the feast for 2 and fed 4 of us with leftovers. So that was pretty great. They serve their feasts in a garbage can lid. We filled out the comment card by saying, it was the best meal we've ever eaten out of a garbage can lid. I'm sure that Clay really had tried other meals out of a garbage can lid so we knew what we were talking about. All in all it was a fun evening with pretty decent food and a cute waiter. If he ever really gets famous, I'll remember him.

A close look at an undervalued super hero

I've always wanted a super power! I can make humans but psh that ability is a little over-rated since about half of the world's population can do the same thing at some point in their lives. So today I was researching some super powers so that I could figure out which one would be the most awesome. I still haven't decided but this one is intriguing.

The one to catch my eye was Matter-eater lad. HAHAHA! I especially like the lad at the end. It's about as inspiring as Jiggly-puff weilding a wiffle bat. His name is a bit lame but endearing at the same time. Who wouldn't want their own matter-eater lad hmm?

Ability: The power to eat matter in all forms

That's pretty effin sweet. You wouldn't have to worry about what you were going to make for dinner. Hungry? Time to dine on a buffet of whatever junk is around the house. Get rid of that old mattress that's been hanging around outside for ages. MMMmmm tastes like trisquits! Think of the possible recycling benefits for the planet! I'd like my taste buds to be turned off if I had that super power though.

Fun facts about Matter-eater lad: On his planet, Bismoll (snickers), some microbe was infecting all their food sources and made them inedible. The population then evolved the ability to injest any type of matter as a survival mechanism. That's pretty effin sweet too! One of his famous phrases when he was younger was. "Trust me, I'm a senator!" Sign me up for the trust list! That makes me feel so at ease :p. Anywho He eventually retired from the super hero business and became the chef for the Legion of Super Heroes. I don't know if I would trust someone that can eat anything to cook a palatable meal for people that can't. He was featured in a unauthorized comic where he won an award for the most ludicrous super power. He ate the trophy.

I don't think his is the most ludicrous super power! There were a few that were worse in that movie Sky High. I vote that Matter-eater Lad and Captain Planet combine forces to make worlds all over the universe more eco friendly. This is the type of super hero we need!

Go Green!

Disney Princess revealed

So a few weeks ago I was chatting with a friend. We were talking about the recent Disney Princess quiz I took and he guessed which one I was. Of course it was Belle! Anyway he said something along the lines of how he wanted to take a Disney Prince quiz. I was like, why the heck would you want to be compared to those losers? Seriously though, the Disney Princes really are not the best role models. We discussed it further and I made a list. Feel free to add your comments to this vapid discussion.

Prince Erik (Little Mermaid): He is so hung up on some nameless voice that he fails to see the real treasure in front of him. That girl was dang cute even when she couldn't talk. He did have some moments of manliness but they were cancelled out by his stupidity in following the crazy witch lady when she was sexified.

Aladdin: He lied, cheated, and stole throughout the whole movie. He pretended to be someone else the whole time! It was all ok in the end because he said he was sorry. Sheesh

Prince Charming (Cinderella): Seriously, a shoe will prove who he danced with for 2 seconds and supposedly instantly fell in love with? If he loved her, he would be able to tell without a stinking shoe. He also would have gotten contact information before she dashed off. He's dumb.

Beast: He was so pansy looking starting out. Turning into the beast actually improved his looks! He was borderline abusive the whole movie. What is it about girls falling for guys that treat them bad?

Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty): Who wants a creepy guy that takes advantage of sleeping women? Plus he gets his clothes stolen by animals. That's careless!

The Prince (Snow White): He sings a little with her at the first but you don't really see him until the end when he can conveniently save the day and ride off into the sunset with Snow White. He's a stranger! It doesn't really say anything good about Snow White either if she's willing to ride off with a pretty face. At least she knew he could sing.

So next time you see the saying "Disney gave me unrealistic expectations of men" don't buy into that crap. The only unrealistic part about the Disney men is their apparent changes of heart! :D